Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you’re eating a lot today. Today also just so happens to be my 3-year blogiversary, so for your viewing pleasure, here is my very first post. I had no idea what I was doing (in life or on the blog). Still don’t (in life or on the blog).

Originally published November 26, 2012 (LOL)


Because it’s Monday. Because you just had a four day weekend that felt like one day. Because you’re wearing leggings daily since your pants won’t button. Because you warded off family members questioning your single marital status. Because you deserve to know others are as sad as you this morning, I leave you with reasons to be happy you’re you today:

You are not this girl.

This was not you on Friday; unless it was – in which case, yikes.Image

Most importantly, you were not a part of this movie
Everything You Want Poster

Al and I watched this a few nights ago. Well, just read the synopsis. If you’re too lazy to click and read one paragraph, I’ll tell you that it starts off by a college-aged girl having an imaginary boyfriend. Now you’ll read it. Finished? Good. Now be happy you’re not us because we paid money to watch this ABC Family original from 2005.

So try to be productive on this glorious Monday morning. At the very least, please just don’t do this

After all, it’s only 4 days until Friday

Have a Guilt Free Holiday Eating Experience

If I have to read one more article or blog post about how to have a “guilt free” Thanksgiving, I’m going to personally go to the author’s home and eat 4 pieces of pie in front of them while they are forced to eat a pile of raw kale. I’m honestly appalled that it’s 2015 and people are asking for guidance on this shit – or worse, people are offering the advice.

Each article is along the lines of “Indulge, but not too much!” *wink wink* Oh yea, that one bite of mashed potatoes really reached my craving quota until next Thanksgiving. Or “Load your plate up with veggies so your plate looks full but you’re not eating too much of the bad stuff. Plus, it’ll be more nutritrious!” *winkity wink wink*

GTFO. Your blasphemous “celebrations” are not wanted. Are we really even being grateful if we don’t mindlessly gorge ourselves into a food coma and end the evening moaning and groaning on the floor wondering if there’s any pie left? Isn’t that what our forefather’s would want!? So, I have one piece of advice on how to eat “guilt free” this holiday season.

If you need some guidance, I’ve compiled a small list you can follow.

On Thanksgiving, never have I ever:

  • Regretted a second helping of mashed potatoes
  • Had to choose between pumpkin or apple pie, because I eat both, ya’ll
  • Eaten a green bean not coated in cream and crispy fried onions
  • Inhaled fewer than 2 doughy and buttery rolls
  • Worn pants with a zipper

Join me, won’t you?

Donald Trump Thanksgiving