celebrities | TV

The Bachelorette, Week 1: Everyone Sucks

May 28, 2013

It’s baaaack! Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette started last night. Before I get into discussing those shenanigans, check out The Bachelor Recaps tab I added at the top of the page. I compiled all of Sean’s re-caps there so you can reminisce about the wonder of everyone’s favorite shirtless born-again virgin.

Last night, we began with Des standing on none other than a mountain. Through perfectly glossed lips, she said “picture the best dream you ever had, then times it by ten.” So there I was, picturing 10 pizzas, when I was interrupted by the previews of what was to come. From what I saw, it can only be described as a nightmare. She was constantly crying, there was a lot of screaming, some physical fighting, and very little beach time.

Des pulled up to her new Malibu home in her car. I love that they just had her drive herself and not act like they didn’t charter a private jet that dropped her off at the bottom of the driveway. She then went through her sob story about how awful it was growing up as a  middle-class child without a castle. She was crying three minutes in so that will certainly get irritating quickly if it’s going to continue. Also, she was crying about Sean. No one thought that was weird? We’re still not over our last heartbreak and we’re about to try and meet our husband? Solid plan. Soon after, Chris handed her keys to a brand new car and the tears came to a screeching halt. The first place she went? The beach, of course! But wait, not before breaking out the roller skates, followed by a casual walk on the beach.
desrollerskate

After tooling around on bikes and roller skates, poor Des got all gussied up in her mirror dress that she probably designed herself because – well look at it – and was so optimistic for the evening.Little did she know, the producers really turned this whole thing into a joke. I was going to talk about the 25 jack wagons that they picked for Desiree but quite frankly, none of them deserve any sort of attention. I honestly felt sorry for her. She really thought she would meet classy guys who could possibly become her husband. Turns out, she could have found better homeless men in a nearby creepy alley.

I understand that they need these guys for entertainment value, but you only pick a few that are idiots. You can’t have two foreigners, a magician, a pervert doctor, a fantasy-suite obsessed guy, a “knight in shining armor,” a shirtless man, a guys that says “hashtag” before every sentence, AND countless other d-bags.

I hope Des is ready to be a stepmother because Ben was the only normal human that was there. If I were her, I would have just gotten back in the limo with him and his son, and peaced out. My favorite was when all of these animals were SO confused as to why she wasn’t handing out any of the roses. Because you all suck! Because you acted like you were going to find the penny she threw into the fountain last season!! Because you were acting like a bunch of perverted weirdos!!!

I don’t even know what to expect this season. How is she possibly going to like any of these clowns? Now I understand all the crying in the previews.

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  1. agreed. all the men sucked. not one good looking guy. who’s going to watch this season? not me… next time i’ll watch it is the hometown date to see her brother rip every guy a new one

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