celebrities | Humor | TV

The Bachelorette, Week 3: Cinderella Swaps a lot of Spit

June 11, 2013

My friend, Kate, was thoughtful enough to point me in the direction of the full “rap video” that Des and the monkeys made last week on the Bachelorette. Before you read ANY further, please make sure you watch that. It will make any bad day better.

This week on I Want to Be Cinderella The Bachelorette, the guys went on a group date to play dodgeball. They were first mauled by members of the National Dodgeball League before dressing in Danny Zuko’s shorts to play the game themselves.
 

The winning team would get to spend the rest of the day with Des and the losers would go home. Once again, bravo for doing the same thing as last season when the girls played beach volleyball. We learned that Michael is super dramatic and well-spoken when he said “This is for all the marbles. What we think are the marbles are all the minutes with Desiree for the rest of the night.”
jenniferlawrencewhat

Brooks ended up breaking a finger (what?) while playing. Des apologized and acted like she couldn’t do anything, except she probably could have went with him to the doctor, no? Instead, she went off and partied with the rest of the guys like the classy broad she is. The blue team won and Michael looked like he was going to cry – I guess because he lost all the marbles. In a wild twist, Des told them that everyone would be going to the party – winners AND losers. Brooks was probably stoked when he heard that he pretty much lost a finger trying to win when it was’t even necessary. It’s okay, though, because Des was incredibly thoughtful and toasted to Brooks with the rest of the guys at the party, wishing him a quick recovery.

Some pretty uneventful conversations happened here. Brad pulled Des away to chat and all 15 viewers collectively asked “Who’s Brad?” Anyway, I guess he has a 3-year-old son named Maddox. Chris then took her up to the roof because we’re going for the unexpected as per usual. Des told him she thought he was special because he smiled when she looked at him. UMMM. As opposed to what? Crying when she looked at him?

Brooks did not disappoint and ran back looking like a hot mess in his Danny Zuko’s, sans shower. They talked for 8-10 seconds and then made out for the rest of the time. Later on, Des mentioned that she just loves her conversations with Brooks. Offff course you do.

Because he smiles, Des gave Chris the rose and they went to enjoy a private Kate Earl concert. I’m pretty sure neither of them knew who she was, but it didn’t matter because SMILES. They also swapped spit here, but I probably don’t have to tell you that. Chris was on board with Des’ Cinderella story and called the whole thing a “fairy-tale.” Who knows? These two may just be perfect for each other.

Finally, the juicy drama came in when Des got a call from her best gal pal, Chris Harrison. After answering like she’s never seen a phone before, Chris asked her to fire up the webcam and partake in some cyber sex. Just kidding – I think. Anyway, he gave her the news that Brian has a girlfriend and she sped off in her baby blue Bentley to confront him. I don’t know whether or not I should be proud or embarrassed that I know this show well enough to correctly guess that Brian was the jerk with a girlfriend! It’s still not confirmed if this girl was an actress, though. My guess is yes – and a bad one at that. “Stephanie,” the girlfriend, and Des hug at first meeting because that makes sense. She ran off a slur of whiney complaints like “What am I supposed to tell my son?” and “You said you needed SPACE.” I didn’t even need Miss Cleo to figure this one out. Brian was escorted out while Des and Stephanie share one last embrace. Chris Harrison then tried to hit on Stephanie. Just kidding – again, I think.
ALI FEDOTOWSKY, CHRIS HARRISON

Because we’re going to get to more of his crazy later on, let’s mention that Brandon somehow turned this around on himself and compared Brian to the men that used to date and leave his mom? I get that, bro. I’m just saying that you should be looking for someone (ie: therapist) to help sort out those feelings before you go looking for a wife.

Kasey and Des went bungee jumping dancing, or something. It was boring and not worth talking about. They retreated to the top of the roof but there was a crazy windstorm. *Yawn* Then Des had the novel idea to go in the pool because that will definitely warm you up. They ended up sitting inside on the stairs wrapped in towels and Des gave him a rose basically for dealing with a shitty date.

During the next group date, the guys learned stunts that would then help them act out a scene where they rescue Des. Not surprisingly, Cinderella herself laughed “I like being rescued.” Ya DO? I had no idea based on your unrealistic fairytale expectations. Juan Pablo spoke Spanish and everyone was jealous because Des decided she wanted to make out with him so she chose him to watch The Lone Ranger with her. They ate popcorn together, loudly, and then kissed. Shocking.

They continued the group date so the rest of the animals got a chance to talk to Des. I still like Bryden but I can’t tell if he’s too awkward for her. Zak admitted that he tried to kiss her earlier and they laugh about it but then they don’t kiss which I thought was strange – both because he obviously wanted to, and because Des really likes to make out. James was an old softie talking about his dad so Des gave him the rose. James was kind of under the radar before this, but I think I might like him.

Before the rose ceremony, they had a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Ben took a page out of Sean Lowe’s fashion book and then drove away with Des as their “little secret” to go – you guessed it – make out.

This obviously upset Michael, who then continued to whine and complain about everything. Mikey pulled Ben aside to confront him and Michael made sure to stand guard – eager to be a part of all the drama like an adolescent girl.

I mentioned we’d get to Brandon’s crazy, and here it is. “I am falling in love with you, and I mean, we barely talk.” Now, there’s a sentence every girl wants to hear from her creepy stalker. He reminds me of Kasey of “Kasey & Vienna” in both looks and creepy comments. Des obviously saw this too because she sent him home. Smartest thing she’s done so far this season.

Twins.

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