celebrities | Humor | TV

The Bachelorette: Diseases Run Rampant

June 18, 2013

Put 13 guys in a room and the claws come out like a bunch of teenage girls. The guys were constantly gossiping about each other. Not to mention, Zak W. got crazy jealous watching Des and Brad on their date from the window like a creep, but we’ll get to that later.

Des & her make-out buddies went to Atlantic City this week. When they found out where they would be going, Chris exclaimed “I’m super excited. Des is gonna be there!” Well, I would hope she was going to make an appearance or two, dude.

Brad got the first one-on-one date. They played games on the boardwalk and were just laughing and having so much fun together. I was almost jealous that I wasn’t hanging out with them until they started walking around in a candy factory sampling salt water taffy like it was sanitary behavior. Note to self: Don’t buy that if you’re ever in AC because it is now tainted with their germs and herpes.
LOL Moment: Upon spotting the lovebirds on the carousel through the window, Zak W. sighed “Things always happen on a carousel.” Um. What sort of weird ass carousel did your parents let you ride as a child?

After a fun day, Brad and Des shared an incredibly uncomfortable dinner. It’s still up for debate whether or not they spoke more than 30 seconds. At one point, Des asked Brad what he was looking for in a woman and he confidently responded “I’m looking for someone who’s a good person.” Wow. Thanks for being so verbose and sharing that valuable information. You really opened up. After their crappy date, Des made Brad walk up 20 stories via spiral staircase. Still out of breath, she then immediately told him she couldn’t give him a rose and sent him back down the stairs.

Just when I think this show has run out of ridiculous ideas, they make the guys do a “Mr. America” contest. Once the guys were adequately geled and lotioned up, they went through the interview, talent, and swimsuit portion – of course, because abs. As per usual, Mikey was annoying and said that he hates how some women just view him as a piece of meat. Then, he took off his shirt and did handstands for his talent portion to remind everyone that he sucks.
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Most importantly, we found out that Zak W. is actually an aspiring musician and used this opportunity to showcase his horrendous talent. He sang to Des AGAIN at the cocktail party, hoping that music producers were watching this episode. He ended up getting the rose for that.
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James got the next one-on-one date, and I don’t know about Des, but he’s definitely a man after my own heart. Eating and drinking wine in the tub? That is my Disney World. Anyway, Des and James took a helicopter ride along the Jersey shore to view the devastation and aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. I get the idea, but yikes, this was depressing. At least they were actually doing some good with those damn helicopter rides. They met a couple who were rebuilding their wrecked home and decided* to give them their elaborate date. *This was quite obviously predetermined by producers, but whatever.

Instead, Des and James went and got pizza and beer AKA awesome. This is the only realistic date that anyone has ever been on on this show. James admitted to Des that he cheated on his girlfriend years ago, which hit home for Des because she said she had been cheated on before. It seemed like this might have been a deal breaker but he did seem to genuinely regret it. I still really loves James after their date, but now the previews are trying to make it out that he’s got some shady business going on. I really hope it’s just producers trying to play it up and it’s not actually him.

The NJ couple got to enjoy dinner, a private Darius Rucker concert (I miss the blowfish), and the Red Cross somehow restored their wedding album that was destroyed. This was great and all, but I kind of thought they should have helped out a little bit more, by oh, I don’t know, helping them build a new HOME. Give up a few trips in the jet and it would’ve paid for itself. Shame on you, The Bachelorette.

Bryden told Des that he was still unsure of his feelings for her and she still asked him to stay. I applaud your honesty, bro. If he ends up leaving and she cries about how unexpected it was, I will have zero sympathy for her. He flat out told you he doesn’t think he likes you and was just riding the high of all the excitement of everything after their first date, but it seems to be dwindling.

Michael wrote an acrostic poem using “Des G” since ‘G’ is the initial of his last name. This was clever, and it doesn’t take much to woo Des into lip-locking, so they shared their first kiss together. Shortly after, Chris jokingly asked if he was in the friend zone so Des kissed him to prove that he wasn’t. I think she’s hit everyone at this point. Does everyone get tested for Herpes and other STD’s before coming on the show? I sure hope so. If not, it is definitely spreading like wildfire.

I’m not ready to predict the top four yet, but I have broken it down into categories. Please note that these are based on what I think is going through Des’ mind, NOT what I would personally do – specifically because I would have went home after all these monkeys got out of the limo, but I digress.

Actual Contenders: Drew, James, Ben, and Brooks (we can all agree he’s constantly high, yes?)

People that are only here because she has a surplus of roses and pity: Chris, Juan Pablo, Michael, Mikey, and Zak W. Side note: It has been confirmed via me that the ‘W’ stands for “wide-eyes.”

In Betweeners: Kasey and Bryden

Munich, Germany is up next, and I guarantee there will be some sort of parade or festival that they will attend. I can’t wait, obviously.

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