celebrities | TV

The Bachelor, Week 7: Poems, Metaphors, and Cliche's…Oh My

July 9, 2013

I felt like I was in English class with the amount of ridiculous literary crap that was being shoved in my face during this entire episode. The show began with Des gazing off yonder from a random island called Madeira in the middle of the Atlantic.

It wasn’t before long that Catherine, Lesley, and Jackie showed up to give Des “advice.” Did anyone else cringe when Des asked Catherine how Sean was doing? Every single one of you swapped spit with him and wanted to marry him. They basically all just stared at the guys while Lesley and Jackie yearned for Des’ leftover men.

For the first date, Brooks and Des took off in a in a smart car and drove to the top of a cliff. They stared down for a solid ten minutes so the crew could get a good photo, then it was back into the golf cart car. Next, they drove up through the clouds – literally -because God forbid they have a normal date and grab some dinner at a mediocre chain restaurant. That’s when the metaphors started and I was in agony. Des first squealed “I’m on the road to falling in love with him.” While standing in the clouds, Brooks contributed “Welcome to cloud 9.” This garbage continued for the rest of the date. I don’t think anything else was said that wasn’t some sort of variation of “we’re on cloud 9.” They went to dinner and decided they needed to think of words between “like” and “love” because that’s where they are in their relationship. Apparently, Des liked the idea of comparing love to a race or something and love was the finish line. Aw, I bet lots of other 12-year-olds do that, too, Des. She told Brooks that she was in the “running” stage and he basically choked on his freshly fermented wine because he is behind, and in a “jog.” Then he rambled on about how important it would be if Des met his family and said “family” 100 times during a total of 105 words. How can anyone take these two seriously? If I were Des, I’d be running AWAY from Brooks, but okay. Maybe they are perfect for each other.

Chris got the second one-on-one date and smelled the date card like a creep. They took a boat to a deserted island because they weren’t isolated enough, I guess. “Chris” got the grand idea for them to write a poem together and put it in a bottle to throw into the sea. (Obviously this wasn’t actually his idea because he had no idea where they’d even be going, but I don’t have the energy to pick out every piece of hoo-ha on this damn show.) Much like every other poem, this one also could have been written by a ten-year-old. At dinner, Chris told Des that he loves her via…POEM and I threw my shoe at the TV.

Michael got the final one-on-one date and they wandered the town to explore, AKA Des went shopping and he tagged along. Michael claimed he was in love with her and it was super confusing because it doesn’t seem like he could possibly love her yet. I feel like he knows me just as well as he knows Des – so not at all.

Drew and Zak had a two-on-one date and were freaking out over a rose that did not matter. Even if they didn’t get the rose, it wouldn’t mean they were definitely going home. They raced go-carts and Drew was definitely concerned about the helmet messing up his hair. Zak showed Des paintings he made, but Drew ended up with the rose because he played the “my sister is disabled and wants to meet you card.” Smooth.

Des and Chris Harrison had girl talk and giggled about who Des likes the most. She basically admitted she’s in love with Brooks but since he hasn’t said he loves her yet, she’s still keeping her options open in case she needs to marry a back-up. How romantic.

At the rose ceremony, no one was surprised when Michael goes home. I don’t even think Michael was. Their goodbye was so awkward. He kept telling Des that he could never date again because no girl would compare to her. Michael, I’ll ask one more time: Do you even know her? Just when I thought the strangeness was over, the 33-year-old called his mom crying in the limo. Let’s just leave it at that.

  1. Best part was when his mom was basically like ” NOT AGAIN?!” aka….wtf did you do this time you F-tard!?

  2. Best part was when his mom was basically like ” NOT AGAIN?!” aka….wtf did you do this time you F-tard!?

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