celebrities | TV

The Bachelorette, Week 9: Men Tell All

July 23, 2013

Alternate Title: 12-year-old Girls in Men’s Bodies Have Cat Fights for 2 Hours

Serious question before we dive in to the juicy deets: Did Chris Harrison lose weight? His face looked especially slender last night. Are you okay, gurl?

The episode started with Des and Chris creeping into windows to crash viewing parties. Why are they still letting Chris Harrison attend these parties with 20-year-old girls?
ALI FEDOTOWSKY, CHRIS HARRISON

To remind us of the show’s 2% success rate, the three couples that are still together joined in on some of the viewing parties as well. There was really no reason for this except for everyone to get hammered and show off their babies. (Chris, where do I get an invite for this? I religiously blog about this show. Can you throw me a bone?)

Ali, Emily, and Ashley show up to give Des “advice” on how to handle the assholes. Um, call them out on their bullshit. I thought this was weird since Ali and Emily both had failed relationships from the show, so maybe Des shouldn’t listen to them.

Ben was first in the “hot seat” and described himself as a “very aggressive person.” Too bad Des let him go. It sounds like that would have been a super healthy relationship. Dan (no idea who the hell he is) revealed that he met Ben’s baby mama who told him that Ben cheated on his girlfriend with her, which is how his son was conceived. OH. SNAP. They didn’t even focus on that for added drama. Everyone was so calm. What has happened to this show?

James was grilled about his drama as well. If he was being honest about what he said, then it really wasn’t that big of a deal. He basically said that he knew Des probably wouldn’t pick him, so he talked to Mikey about what would happen when they inevitably got kicked off the show. Who cares? There’s 25 of you. Only one will “win.” I find it hard to believe that in ten plus years, this same type of conversation has never happened between two contestants. My issue with James is that he was so manipulative with Des and tried to make her feel crazy.

Supposedly Juan Pablo was a fan favorite, so he got to speak as well. Is Juan Pablo attractive? Sure. Is his accent so distracting that it takes away from that? Absolutely. I never knew what he was trying to say. At first it seemed like they were buttering us up to make Juan Pablo the next bachelor and I was about to send hate mail, but then Zak was invited to re-live his miserable exit from the show.

I actually felt bad for Zak at first. He’s quite possibly the most annoying of all the guys (besides Brooks, of course) but he was so sad. Chris even read the secret poem that Zak wrote in the back of the journal he gave Des and he admitted that he’s still in love with her. Just when I was coming to terms with this annoying bug-eyed man becoming the next bachelor, absolute HORROR happened. Zak sang a song that he wrote for Des. You read that correctly. I can’t deal with this crap anymore. There was a woman crying in the audience for goodness sake. If this tool ends up with a record deal, I want a monetary reward for predicting it. I’d also like a guarantee that I will never be subjected to listening to it, because to add insult to injury, he’s a country singer.

Des came out and chatted with the guys and nothing exciting happened, as per usual in this snooze fest. She called James out for manipulating her, but that was it.

The show ended with bloopers and Chris Harrison lying to Des’ face by telling her she was a “great bachelorette.” No one agrees with that title. Then, we watched a ten minute montage of Des crying. Should be interesting next week, to say the least…

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