On last night’s episode of The Bachelorette we learned that one can be uncontrollably sobbing after they are left heartbroken by the love of their life, and get engaged the following day to a different man. Reality television at its finest.
In a dramatic fashion, we relived Des’ misery over Brooks leaving. This montage definitely could have been confused with a skit from SNL. I know I’ve said that before, but this one for real. Chris Harrison snuck up behind Des like a creep as she was looking over the balcony searching for Brooks. It was time for their heart to heart, but Chris definitely needs to have his therapist license revoked because he was not on his A-game last night. The painful conversation went something like this:
Creep: How ya doing?
Damsel: I’m okay *uncontrollable sobs*
C: So you’re not?
D: I’m okay when people don’t ask, you piece of shit. Stop holding my hand. I just want to go home.
C: So you’re telling me you want to continue on?
D: Yeah, for sure. *sob sob sniff sniff*
They had a rose ceremony where Des told Drew and Chris what happened with Brooks while simultaneously wiping her snotty nose. How did they not walk away from her right then? What a bunch of suckers.
Apparently this show is ridiculous enough to reign in a live audience for a viewing party, so Chris Harrison interviewed a few middle-aged women. Everyone basically said if their favorite was Chris or Drew, but all agreed that it would be a huge joke if she ended up with either of them after her Brooks performance last week. Even her friends agreed that would be absurd.
Still super depressed, Des began her date with Drew by riding a horse (and almost falling off) to greet him. Drew confidently told the cameras he was ready to propose which was just asinine since 30 minutes earlier he was told by Des herself that she was miserable because Brooks left. They had awkward small talk where Drew continued to speak as though periods go after every few words. Come on. You guys. Know. What I’m. Talking. About. He just. Loves. Des. When Drew toasted to being madly. In. Love. (Okay I’m done) Des almost vomited at the thought of loving Drew and sent him home. Drew said he was blind-sided, which I don’t understand one bit. He must have been on a different date than what we saw. All. Jokes. Aside. Drew was very classy about it and said that he was heartbroken and hurt but understood that she can’t control it and he can’t force her to be in love with him.
Chris and Des actually had a wonderful date. They really do work well together. They went on a boat and then had dranky dranks at his hotel. Chris kept telling her how he was 100% in love with her, 100% ready to marry her, 100% wanted to bang her, and 100% an idiot. He gifted her with a book of poems because it’s great to keep her guessing. He ended up meeting her family. Her brother was ridiculous, asking crazy questions like he did with Sean, but apparently not enough to scare him away. Chris ended up asking her father for her hand in marriage. Her brother later asked Des about Brooks and she totally down-played it and acted like she was over him. Then she started crying. Clearly she is not over him, but sure, let Chris go pick out a ring.
The final rose ceremony was next. Des waited for Chris on a pedestal which was ironic because that’s where he put her all season. Chris told Des how much he loves her and was about to get down on his knee to propose when she stopped him and gave him a heart attack in the process. She said she had to explain first and she told Chris that she was torn between him and Brooks the whole time, which was weird since she told Brooks that she knew it was him all along. She claimed that now she realizes how much she loves Chris. Long story short, they are now engaged! Okay.
The “After the Final Rose” segment was just as yawn-worthy as the rest of this season.
Brooks came out to talk with Des, apparently unaware that she and Chris were engaged. This dude was sweating and shaking because he was so nervous. He probably thought (rightfully so) that Des would not be with anyone and would try to win him back. Instead, she told him and his perverted facial hair that she was engaged. You could tell he was a little taken aback (again, rightfully so) but also relieved that she wasn’t about to have Sob Fest: Round Two.
Drew then came out to talk monotone as per usual and claimed that he’s not still in love her. The 500 questions he had for her said otherwise.
Finally, Chris joined and we learned that Des is moving to Seattle. Color me surprised. Chris saved all the roses – of course – and dried them to put in a frame with his final damn poem. Their closing montage was wonderful. I really wanted to be happy for them, but I refuse to be happy for someone who is engaged 3 days after she was in deep depression over someone else.
Last but not least, Juan Pablo is the next bachelor, because why not.
Until next time, folks…