celebrities | Humor | TV

The Bachelor, Week 1, Part 1: I Is Practicing My Ingles

January 6, 2014

It’s BAAAAACKKKKKK.

I somehow JUST found out last night that The Bachelor will not only be on Mondays nights, but Sundays as well. Talk about an incredible start to 2014!

ABC is so clever with their whole “Juan-uary” thing. And by clever, I obviously mean desperate. Since Juan only has his good looks to offer due to lack of knowledge of the English language, they are doing anything they can to reel in viewers. Little do they know, they’re screwed in 4 weeks when it’s February and their little pun no longer works.

Last night’s episode introduced us to the casting process when Chris Harrison assured us they knew exactly what Juan Pablo was looking for in a soul mate. I don’t about you, but I don’t know how I feel about finding my “soul mate” via something referred to as a “casting” call. I was actually impressed with the intelligence of some of these girls, though. Most responded that they wanted to be on the show to “find love” or “start a family” rather than honestly saying that they wanted free wine and make-outs.

Not to be outdone by Sean, Juan Pablo was both running AND stretching shirtless. He admitted that he’s been practicing his English and has learned to speak slower so we can understand him. I love the diversity, but there are plenty of Latinos who speak perfect English. This seems like a lot of work for one Bachelor. Plus, did anyone catch his sing-along in the car? Who else is going to share his taste in music? I would struggle immensely with that adjustment.

We were of course introduced to Juan Pablo’s wild and crazy family. They actually seemed pretty normal compared to some families we’ve seen on this show (coughCHIROPRACTORcough). As per usual, we were told that ANYONE who wants to get serious with Juan Pablo, needs to also accept his family, as though this is something only specific to Juan Pablo; no other human being wants their significant other to get along with their family.

I forgot how incredible all of the catty drama is on this show. Can we talk about the girl crying on the bathroom floor screaming “why won’t he dieeeee!??!!” Nail. Biter.

Side note: The tribute to Gia was sad, but classy. Well done, producers.

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