celebrities | Humor | TV

The Bachelor, Week 5: I'm Liking Her Heart

February 4, 2014

Remember when Juan Pablo stupidly admitted that he didn’t think The Bachelor should allow homosexuals because he thought they were too “pervert” for children to watch and then proceeded to bang one of his ten girlfriends in the ocean? UMMMMMMMMMMMM, let’s get through the niceties so we can dive into the good stuff (That’s what she JP said).

The crew went from South Korea to Vietnam this week for some more realistic dates. Renee (AKA house therapist) got the first date and started talking about how she was nervous, so she had butterflies and her palms started hurting. Is that a thing? Did she mean to say sweaty palms? I was confused. For their date, he drove her around in a pedi-cab into town and Renee got fitted for a custom dress to wear on her date later. They went to dinner, her gave her a rose, blah blah blah. He chose not to kiss her because he didn’t want her son to see her mom sucking face with a guy. Please remember this fact for the next “date.”

On the group date, Clare was obviously annoying and taking up all of Juan Pablo’s time and the claws started coming out. Andi told JP that she was super insecure because she hadn’t gotten a one-on-one date yet and he told her “Juss truss Me” and she obviously accepted that answer because he was wearing a bamboo hat.* Sharleen confessed that she just needs to know “that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.” Also, she uses the words “organic” and “inorganic” far too often. Juan Pablo and Clare were getting hot and heavy in the pool so he gave her the rose and everyone wanted to murder her. Little do they know, she went up to his room later that night to ask if we wanted to go for a swim in the ocean. He obliged and then super awkward comments were made in their confessionals and it was like OhmygodtheyhadsexDidtheyhavesexIthinktheyhadsex. This was later confirmed, but we’ll get to that in a moment.
*Juss truss Me = Just trust me

Nikki got the next date. They had to propel down into some cave and she was petrified, rightfully so. “Either I live, or I die, or I poop my pants.”

She was doing okay until she compared it to falling in love, because ugh. They went on a date and I couldn’t find a photo, but Nikki wore a black tank top with no pants. Holy short dress. Juan Pablo told her how tired he was because he didn’t sleep the night before. Um, please remember the night before was his rendezvous with Clare! Why would he even mention this? And why did Nikki not question why?

The cocktail party was quite possibly the best in Bachelor history. Clare and JP talked about the night before and it was confirmed that they definitely had sex in the ocean. It was also confirmed that Juan Pablo is a huge douche bag. He essentially blamed her for the entire thing. He kept repeating that he needs to set a good example for his daughter. So, rather than have an innocent kiss on his date with Renee, he chose to bone Clare. If you’re so concerned about your daughter, then you should be the one to stop it from happening. Clare was obviously upset. Did she throw herself at him? Yes. Could he have said no? YES. She asked why he didn’t say “no” and he responded that he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. She’s annoying as hell, but she’s not a child. She would have respected that. Instead, Juan Pablo decided to be an asshole and act like she forced him. I had very little respect for him to begin with, but now you’ve lost all my respect, bro. Admit you both made a mistake and move on. Quit making her feel like it was all her fault.
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Not surprisingly, Danielle, Kelly, and Alli got sent home. Sharleen cried the most sooo that was confusing. Juan Pablo was crying too but I have a feeling that’s just because he understands that it is possibile that Clare is pregnant with his second child…
Juan Pablo Galavis

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