celebrities | Humor | TV

The Bachelor, Week 9: Juan Pablo is the Worst and I Want to be Special

March 6, 2014

The “Women Tell All” episodes of The Bachelor, or WTA, if you will, are always pretty catty between the women. Not in Juan Pablo’s case. In this episode, we learned what we already knew – Juan Pablo sucks and no one really liked him.

Before the women chatted, we heard from Sean and Catherine post-wedding. They quite obviously discussed the wedding night and consummation station. They started describing it as romantic, with rose petals on the bed and I thought for a second that they might actually be appropriately quiet about the whole thing. Then Sean admitted that there were fireworks, to which Catherine responded “quick fireworks” implying well, you know. Is she out of her mind? Why on earth would you announce that on live television? Poor Sean.

The next 15 minutes were spent with the girls saying how sexy Juan Pablo is and how much they love his accent, confirming that his personality sucked and they did in fact only stay around because they wanted to bone him. They all explained that he was uninterested in learning anything about them and would never allow them to have deep conversations. So, everything we already knew, once again.
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They went on to claim that he used his daughter as an excuse for not kissing people. Also accurate. He would kiss Cassandra (mom) and then tell Renee that he couldn’t kiss her because he wanted to respect her son. He was clearly just more attracted to Cassandra. Stop lying and using your daughter as an excuse

None of the ladies knew about Clare and JP in the ocean until they watched the show. They didn’t hate on her as much as I had anticipated and all agreed that they would’ve done the same thing if they had thought of it first. Again, they were in agreement that he handled the situation horribly and said that he was just as much to blame, if not more, than she was, and he should have owned up to it.

Sharleen got in the hot seat to discuss why she left. She basically said they she just knew he wasn’t “the one.” She admitted she could have dated him happily, but they wouldn’t have worked well in a marriage together. Chris Pervert Harrison kept bringing up how much Sharleen and Juan Pablo sucked face on the show. She admitted that essentially, she was just physically attracted to him but there was not much under the surface. She did say that he did try to get to know her and they did have great conversations about the world, contrary to what the other girls experienced.

Renee was up next. Nothing special happened. She talked about how they went more slowly than the rest of the girls and obviously Juan Pablo just didn’t have the same feelings that she did. She said she was in a “situation” and seemed very happy now (AKA not the next Bachelorette).

Andi went up next to talk to CH. She said at first, the fantasy suite was great. They had fun and laughed and then it went downhill when he started name-dropping and talking about his soccer career and how great he is. She did say she regretted not saying anything to him during their actual date, but she didn’t regret leaving. My favorite is that she faked sleep that night LOLZ. She said she’s still looking for love and she definitely believes in that “great love.” (AKA next Bachelorette!)

Juan Pablo came out and it was kind of sad because he was genuinely expecting them to be happy to see him. He again referred to Renee and Cassandra as his special ones because they are single moms and some girl I don’t know was like “Ummm we all left things behind at home.” He addressed the whole not-kissing-Renee thing and again repeated that he was just thinking of Ben’s feelings. Cassandra made the best point here and said that if he really cared about Ben’s feelings then he wouldn’t have done a hometown date with Renee when he didn’t really see a future with her. BOOM. The whole thing was super repetitive and they all basically said that they would have preferred if he got to know them and took the whole process more seriously – because this a serious way to find a spouse, you guys.

Kelly brought up his recent statement about how he thought that the show should not allow homosexuals and she was super offended because her parent are gay. Some other girl I don’t know jumped in and was like “stop using English as a second language as a cop out [you annoying piece of shit].” Sharleen defended him and said they they actually discussed things like equality and he seemed very open-minded. He handled the situation well and told Kelly that he would rather take an hour to talk to her about the situation than try to cram it into just the few minutes that he had left. I hope he actually did that.

Favorite blooper: “She will accept me and my little package.” – Juan Pablo referring to himself and his daughter as this repeatedly until a producer told him to stop saying that because it “may sound like you have a small penis.”

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