celebrities | Humor | TV

The Bachelor, Week 10: Eh, Me a Big Jerk

March 11, 2014

I. Can. Not.

Can’t.

This may have been the first time that Chris Harrison accurately referred to the episode as “the most dramatic finalay.” Although, I could think of a few other words to describe it – idiotic, laughable, ridiculous, uncomfortable….You get the point.

Clare and Nikki both met Juan Pablo’s family in the beautiful island of St. Lucia, which JP so eloquently articulated “is so pretty. The ocean is so blue.” Congrats on learning your colors, jack wagon.
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Clare met the family first and she kept doing her stupid lip-puckering thing. What is that about? His mom said that she knows he can be rude but Clare didn’t care because he’s sexy, duh! JP was talking to his cuz who told him that Clare is in love with him and J Pabs acted incredibly uncomfortable and wanted to run for the hills. No red flags here!

Nikki was next and his mom seemed pretty skeptical when she told him she was in love with him (not of Nikki’s sincerity, but wondering how someone was in love with her ridiculous son). The cousin is pretty much the only level-headed person in this family and was asking the important questions. He pointed out to Nikki that JP would walk away from the relationship if things get tough, and she was like that’s cool because passion! And sexy, duh! And wait, did you see my tat?
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The fact that his family was warning the girls is a huge sign but neither of them seem to care. I mean, did you see his abs? He’s such a great kisser! Who cares if he’s a selfish prick?!

On Clare’s date, she said he said something very sexual when the cameras were off and she wouldn’t repeat it. LAME! TELL US! They finally got something out of her and she
“paraphrased” that he told her that he loved hooking up with her, but used worse words, so he must have been super rude. SHOCKING. She was upset because he said he didn’t know her enough and she didn’t know him enough. They talked about this and he was basically like, ummm I no ready to get marry. He said his favorite thing about her is how much she loves her family, so it was really nice of him to pick something unique. After he told her he was unsure about their relationship, he told her he could see himself moving to Sacramento with her and said “if I’m with you we’re gonna have a baby in like a year and 2 months.” Well, that’s an oddly specific time frame. Maybe he thinks that’s how long a pregnancy lasts. This asinine conversation somehow reassured her that they had more than a physical attraction.
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Similarly to Clare, Nikki admitted that her main concern was that she didn’t know how he felt about her. She addressed this with him and was like I feel like you’re guarded because you’re scared of being hurt because I am so fantastic and there is no other reason. Nonchalantly, he responded “no. When I feel it, I will say.” This statement that he doesn’t have feelings for her somehow comforted and reassured her. K.

So, the Pabs ends up dumping Clare, not even acting like he was upset about it. He was like eh well, someone need go home. Me pick you because me bang you and that all me want. He tried to hug her and she pushed him away. YOU GO GURL.
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Clare was like AXCUSE ME, you told me you wanted me to have all of your babies tomorrow and live in Sacramento with me you asshole. She stormed off and did head a snap at the last moment to dramatically add “I’m happy because I would never want you to be the father of my children.” Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Then she ran into Chris Harrison’s studly arms and JP looked around and said “oooo glad I didn’t pick her.”
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You are not helping yourself, bro.

Moving on….

True to form, Nikki walked off the boat in a dress with a slit up to her ass.

Can you see my vageen? NO!? Someone get me scissors stat.

She was like I am so in love with you and want to marry you tomorrow and have 10 babies with you to which he responded “thanks, I like you a lot.” Well, don’t come on too strong! You’re going to scare her away! Pabs didn’t propose but he told her that he wanted to just date and see what happens. Honestly, this is what all of these stupid contestants should be doing so that was actually the most mature thing he did this entire season. Too bad he couldn’t even be praised for that due to his horrible personality. So, whatever. These two were all giddy and we had to hear the word “assept” for the last time when he gave her the final rose.

This is becoming an incredibly long post, so if you’re still with me, good. We’re getting to the meat, my friends. AFTER THE FINAL ROSE.
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Let me preface this by saying that Clare was my least favorite on the show this season. I would have rather been forced to watch Lucy the “free spirit.” That being said, bitch got class. I was scared that she was going to come out and still be upset about the whole thing but she was so over it and I was genuinely happy for her. She quite obviously dodged a massive bullet and she recognized that. She told Chris Harrison that she didn’t want to talk to Juan because she had nothing to say to him. YOU GO GURLFRAN.

Juan Pablo came out and there was zero applause. He basically dodged every question and said he had no regrets. When Chris asked him about Clare, he brushed it off and said “eh Clare had to go home.” Oh, alright.

Nikki came out next on her own and said that JP still hasn’t told her he loved her but said the relationship is going great. Chris Harrison definitely has a personal beef with Juan Pablo and he used this information to make him look like the biggest douche. This was painful to watch. CH kept pushing the issue, asking if he loved Nikki at least 8 times. Every time, JP just wouldn’t he wouldn’t say that he loves her.
Side note: Can we all agree on this? Who do you think you are, bro!?
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Juan Pablo continued to say that he wants to continue his relationship with Nikki out of the public eye. Sean Lowe was in the audience and kindly pointed out that he was on a national television show and that wouldn’t be possible. Moron. My favorite was when Catherine added “Don’t bite the hand that fed you” and JP was baffled by what it could possibly mean. Des and Chris were also in the audience. Des must have been relieved since the heat is officially off of her for sobbing over the love of her life leaving one day and accepting a proposal from another guy the next day.

I will end this on a positive note. As predicted, Andi is going to be the bachelorette! WAHOO. Good thing they showed her walking in 20 different outfits to show how versatile and likable she is. See you in May, BEESHES!

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