celebrities | Humor | TV

The Bachelorette, Week 10: Making Love, Fiance' Style

July 31, 2014

We started with the live audience wasting their time while Chris Harrison told us that whoever got sent home (AKA “the loser”) has been trying to get in touch with stalking Andi since the final rose. Thanks for the spoiler, Chris. At that moment, literally everyone knew that Nick was sent home because he’s the only one that would try to find Andi to talk to her/make her change her mind/act like a serial killer.

Nick met Andi’s parents first and was so so so nervous. This was actually the first time I’ve somewhat liked him this season because he was acting like a human. You could tell that he had genuine feelings for her and I felt sorry for him. Andi was talking about Nick and she was just like sooo drawing out her words and explained that Nick is so PASSIONATEEEEE and when he kisses her, he KISSES her. And she enunciates and emphasizes strangely and it’s annoying.

Josh was speed talking when he spoke with Andi’s Dad and I just wish that someone would call him out on the fact that he writes speeches. He cannot talk naturally (more on that later…) Andi’s father, Hy, was the funniest part of this show all season.

Andi took Josh on a yacht where they talked about boring shit and we got a few close-up shots of Josh rubbing her ass. Romance. Later that evening, Josh gave Andi a baseball card “he” made because it was the only way he could make something for her that is actually about him. It said “Andi Murray” on it with “stats” on the back. I don’t even remember what because it was dumb.

Nick and Andi had a picnic and went swimming in a lake. Their evening date was far more awkward than Josh’s and by this point I just wanted to get to the stalking portion that Chris Harrison had promised us earlier. Nick gave Andi a necklace filled with sand from the beach where he first told her he loved her. Weird. Next up: Blood vials al la Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton.

Finally, we came to judgement day and poor Nick had to stand shirtless on a balcony in comparison with Josh. Let’s just kick him when he’s down. Josh picked out his ring for Andi and then we were shown Nick waiting for Neil Lane to enter so he could do the same. Instead, Andi was on the other side of the door.

I actually felt sorry for Nick, but he was acting like this was the first time someone on this show was fooled. He was in shock and didn’t ask many questions. He just packed up his bags and left, but not before removing the dried up roses he had stashed in there beforehand and throwing them away in dramatic fashion.

When Josh met Andi for their proposal, he came prepared with a monologue and the first line was actually about his “first love, baseball,” in case anyone was unaware that he used to play. He said nice things but it was so awkward and forced and memorized. Andi rambled a little more but at least she was natural about it. Luckily, she told him that she realized all of her feelings of being scared that he would hurt her was actually “love.” Huh? Guess the rest of the world has been doing love wrong. They seemed happy but I could have done without the “I love you babe. I love you more” being repeated constantly.

“After the Final Rose” informed us that Nick tried to see Andi in Mexico and she refused. She also refused to see him when he showed up at the men tell all episode so he wrote her a letter. Nick is obviously still heartbroken and needed to find a way to stick it to Andi, and stick it he did when he asked “If you didn’t love me then why did you make love with me?” I died. Andi was pizzzzzed. She wasn’t being nice after that. Way to go Nick – you just blew up her spot that she had sex with both you and Josh in the fantasy suites. And evidently it was “fiancé sex” To Nick – whatever that means.

I’m so happy his dumb season is over.

I will be watching Bachelor in Paradise and will hate it, I’m sure.

Until next time, folks.
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