celebrities | Humor | sarcasm | TV

The Bachelor, Week 4: This is a SHOW for Bimbos

January 27, 2015

Things got real interesting on The Bachelor this week. Just kidding. Chris Soules is still the bachelor so that’s impossible.

Group Date #1

The first group date card said to “go natural” so the girls obviously started panicking because they thought it meant no make-up. I was just happy with their reaction since it confirmed that they are actually monsters on the outside as well.

Chris took them on their date to a lake so he could see how they handle being in nature. It was a great idea because I hear farms are full of lakes that require you to skinny dip. One girl had a pretty big revelation and I hope you’re sitting down to hear it. It took 13 years of this show, 19 seasons of The Bachelor, and 10 seasons of The Bachelorette for Kelsey to figure out that these dates are “made for bimbos.” I don’t know if she’s actually intelligent or just seems it compared to the nearly 500 other women who failed to come to the same realization. The producers got pissed that she figured it out so they purposefully made that bee sting her.

The ladies and Chris camped out in separate tents because this is a damn family show. At first I thought Ashley was funny with her “I’m a camping virgin and I’m a virgin camping” joke, but that took a rapidly horrifying turn in the wrong direction. After applying a full face of make-up in the woods, she went into Chris’ tent and told him she was “innocent and very inexperienced.” Proud of her amazing way with words, she told us she was confident that he understood her and knew they were progressing. Meanwhile, Chris admitted he had no idea what she meant.

One-On-One Date

Chris’ sisters came to judge the shit out of a few girls (my dream job) to figure out who was worthy of the one-on-one date with their completely lame brother and his upside-down mouth.

Whitney confidently told them that she was ready to move to Iowa after just one date with Chris. His sisters loved this idea so apparently they’re a bunch of idiots, too.

I think Carly was confused and thought these women were her therapists because she started talking about how she hasn’t had a guy treat her well, and just wants a love like her grandparents have as tears started flowing.

Jade told them she’s a model in LA who’s also launching her own organic make-up company. I don’t understand why, but this got her the date! It turned out well, but we’ll get to that in a moment. Jade’s date card referenced a Cinderella/Princess theme. Ashley was so jealous about Jade’s date because I guess she’s the only girl who ever watched Cinderella as a child and wanted to be a princess.

Jade got a little makeover and got to wear (and keep!) diamonds from Neil Lane (OBVIOUSLY). The girls watching her get ready was equivalent to the orphans watching Annie being adopted by Daddy Warbucks while they had to stay with Ms. Hannigan. It was just sad.
In between all the manly movies I watched as a kid, we had to watch "Annie" occasionally... Or a lot...

This actual date was so outrageous. Apparently they were required to plug the new Cinderella movie because we kept watching stoopid clips of it, and the whole thing was too staged with her walking down the stairs and him watching her leave, etc. However, I really liked Jade after this date. She’s definitely another front runner along with Whitney now. But since I think Whitney is annoying, I want her to win so Jade can be the next bachelorette since I actually like watching her/listening to someone speak in coherent and intelligent sentences.

Group Date #2

The next group date had the girls show up wearing wedding dresses because nothing like making a bunch of wedding hungry bitches even more crazy.
Cheers!

They competed in an obstacle course mud run which Jillian obviously beasted through and won. She got the solo date with Chris after this and he finally figured out that they have nothing in common and sent her home. Jillian cried and tried to apologize for not being vulnerable with him. Too late, hunny. This whole thing is like a 2-week process. You need to throw it all out on day one – daddy issues, you have a kid, you’re divorced, whatever. Chris should know your shit before he knows your name.

Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony

Ashley told Chris flat out that she’s a virgin and said he respects her etc. I don’t know how she wanted Chris to respond, but she was convinced that she ruined her chance with him and started sobbing. Becca also revealed that she was a virgin and handled it like a normal human and was like “yeah, me too. It’s a decision I made.” Point blank. No tears. No big deal. No needing to tell Chris right away. I like Becca so now I can tell Ashley that she’s annoying as shit and it has nothing to do with her sexual experiences and 100% to do with her personality.

Britt questioned why he continued to give Kaitlyn roses which is a kiss of death on this show. Good job, Britt. You stayed this week but that will bite you in the ass. See you at girls tell all when Chris Harrison asks if you regret talking about Kaitlyn.

Onion, Nikki (who are you?), and Julia were sent home. It was boring. Are we sensing a theme, here?

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