Humor | sarcasm | TV

The Bachelor, Week 5: I'm Having a Panic Attack

February 3, 2015

This week took the traveling circus to Santa Fe, New Mexico and Chris got real deep staring at a bunch of hot air balloons, which apparently told him that this would be a great place to fall in love.

ChrisHotAirBalloons
Via Chris’ Disturbing Instagram

Chris thinks he’s past the “getting to know you stage” after 3 weeks. Attention Everyone Else: WE’RE DOING IT WRONG. You only need 3 weeks to get to know someone according to Chris the Farmer.

One-On-One Date #1:

Carly got the first solo date and she was so excited for it that I’m convinced she thought she was going to be meeting someone else. No one should be that happy about spending time with Chris. They met with a “love guru” and like any reasonable idiot, Chris said it wouldn’t work with Carly if this guru couldn’t meditate the love right out of them. Turns out this was very awkward and physical. They were blindfolded and told to grope each other, only to end up being forced to be naked. Finally Carly spoke up and was like ummm this is SO AWFUL. And the guru was like oh, okay, let’s talk then. I changed the channel by accident to softcore porn. Oh wait, no I didn’t. Guru hooker was just having them breathing heavily while Carly stradled him. This show is getting too ridiculous, even for me. I feel like this is how most conversations go:

Producer 1: Let’s just make them meditate. That’ll be funny.
Producer 2: Not good enough. Can they be naked?
Producer 1: Oh, I thought that was obvious. Even better, we’ll make them undress each other.
Producer 2: After that, we’ll make them uncomfortably breathe all over each other. Maybe it’ll be after a lunch of garlic and onions.
Producer 1: And then make out in front of the guru.
Producer 2: Perfect. I’ll head out to the corner now to find a hooker to pose as the guru.

Let’s keep that going!

After that horrifying experience, they got to spend some actual alone time and have a conversation. Carly told Chris about her asshole ex-boyfriend and why it’s difficult for her to feel “worthy of love” and Chris’ monotone “you’re cool and pretty” reassuring statement totally made her feel great. Your ex must have been really shitty if you accepted that response. She gets a rose.

Group Date:

Chris took them white water rafting and Jade fell in the water. She conveniently has a disease in which she “doesn’t do well with the cold.” I’ve heard of that disease. I think it’s called being human (Full Disclosure: I’m sure that’s an actual thing that can actually be threatening to people. I don’t think Jade has it.) As the ladies mocked, she just wanted Chris to rub her feet and give her attention. The princess thing was only make believe, Jade. You’re no Kate Middleton.

Because apparently anything goes on this show now (UGH), Jordan came back asking Chris for a second chance. You may remember Jordan.
Drunk Twerking. Don’t try this at home!

She admitted to drinking too much while she was on the show which was a surprise to absolutely no one. She just really channeled her faith while she was twerking and getting shit faced and realized that God brought her to Chris for a reason and she asked for another chance. Chris, being the boring-as-shit doormat that he is, let her come back. Everyone was obviously outraged but Ashley I took the cake for being the most annoying. I wish she would just admit she wants to be a Kardashian. Just release your sex tape the old fashioned way and stay the hell out of my living room.

After the girls attacked him, doormat sent Jordan home because he couldn’t handle the heat he was getting from the other girls.

Whitney got the rose and Ashley obviously flipped out. I hope she’s watching this back and realizes how awful she is. What a exhausting person to be around.
Ashley’s not ready to make nice. Uh-oh.

One-On-One Date #2:

Britt started crying because her date card said “Sky’s the Limit” and she’s afraid of heights. Hey Britt. Don’t tell the casting director and producers what your fears are and you will get to stay on the ground. Chris came and woke up Britt for their date. No worries because while she doesn’t shower, she sleeps in full make-up “just in case,” according the Carly. They went on a hot air balloon ride and Britt was magically calm and kept commenting on how gorgeous everything was. As suspected, her freak out about her “phobia taking over her body” was completely fabricated.

We watched Britt tell Chris that she wants 100 kids while we found out that she told the girls she didn’t want to get married or have kids. AWWWW SNAP. This is the juiciest drama this show has seen since Claire made friends with a Raccoon.

All the whores were hating Britt because they heard Chris kiss her that morning. When she came back from their date gushing, Kelsey thought it was important to go tell Chris that she’s a widow. She told him about how her husband suddenly died a year ago and it was sweet and tugged at the heartstrings until we saw her in the confessional talking about how good her story was and how great it would be to see her tragedy turn into a love story. There’s not clever way to say this. Girl is Batshit. Crazy.

Napping or “delving.”

Rose Ceremony (Or Lack Thereof):

Chris Harrison told the hyenas that there wouldn’t be a cocktail hour because Chris knew what he wanted to do. Kelsey excused herself to go fake a panic attack. We watched her whimpering on the floor while a medic tended to her. The girls heard her crying and didn’t move an inch to check on her, which I appreciated. Jade covered up a laugh – probably thankful knowing her slutty bikini photos won’t be the worst thing talked about this season.

TO BE CONTINUED is the bullshit we were left with. Ugh, I hate this show.

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