Humor | sarcasm | TV

The Bachelor, Week 6: I'm Smart, I Have My Master's

February 10, 2015

We last left off when Kelsey Crazy was moaning on the floor. She miraculously recovered in last night’s episode when Chris came to talk to her. I’ve never had a panic attack but I don’t think you just snap out of it, laugh, and waltz back into a room draped in a fur blanket.

We started out with the rose ceremony, which I enjoyed because you can always tell who’s going to be sent home the whole time you’re watching the episode anyway. MacKenzie (obviously) went home, along with Samantha, a woman I’ve literally never seen before in my life.

Deadwood, South Dakota is apparently the new place for romance so Chris took the ladies here so they could do original things like take touristy old time photos. They’re probably way better than the ones at the Jersey Shore anyway. A random note from this point in the show: Why are we being forced to watch a dirty unshowered Britt walk around with her mic attached to her bra like a common whore?

One-on-one Date

Becca got the first one on one date and they went gallivanting in a field before sitting outside by a fire while we were all irritated by his laugh. Chris asked the same questions he always does – this man is so interested in these bitches’ 5 year plans. We found out that Chris wants 4-6 children and Becca conveniently squealed that she wanted 5 kids. FATE. They made-out so Chris could up his tally and say that he’s swapped spit with everyone left on the show. She got a rose and I’m starting to like her so I hope she doesn’t get stuck marrying this guy.

Group Date:

Chris is apparently trying to get me to hate him more than I already do, so he invited Big & Rich to join the date so the girls could write county love songs. Jade told one of them – Big, I’d assume – that she felt dumb and was having trouble writing lyrics. It was odd because she could actually vomit more intelligent lyrics than “save a horse, ride a cowboy.” Big and Jade went running through the streets because he obviously didn’t have any actual advice on how to deal with writer’s block due to lack of proper experience.

Chris sang first and if you were hopeful he’d have any sort of redeeming qualities, he cannot sing, so there goes that. Chris said he was “bawling” at the girls’ songs which was ridiculous. Not only were none of the songs great enough to warrant tears, but he apparently forgot that all of this is documented on film and he was not, in fact, bawling.

Jade and Chris had a great conversation about sharing feelings where they shared no actual feelings except that Chris feels like he could probably make out with her for the rest of his life so she’ll do as a farmer’s wife.

Feel. Feelings. FEEL FEEL FEELY. SHUT UP.

Britt ran off with Chris and everyone was (understandably) pissed. These two somehow stumbled upon a Big & Rich concert that they had “no idea” was going on. They joined them on stage and Chris gave her a rose as the crowd cheered them on. ROMANCE. They walked back holding hands while the rest of the girls stink-eyed the shit of them. Chris acted like he was sorry and talked to them for 30 seconds before leaving Britt to deal with the hyenas herself.

2-on-1 Date:

Ashley I. and Kelsey get the 2-on-1 date and since Kelsey is superior to all she laughed at little peasant Ashley who didn’t understand the riddle on the date card.

Ashley and Chris are clearly not compatible. They’re just way too different. Ashley told him how Kelsey is a manipulative batshit crazy bitch (I’m paraphrasing) and when Chris asked Kelsey about it she immediately confronted Ashley who was like hey bitch I’m smart too and I’m feisty so I will cut you.

Kelsey and Ashley

Ashley ran off to Chris and cried, asking why he told Kelsey about their conversation. Poor Chris just needed a way to get rid of both of these idiots, and that’s just what he did. Ashley was sobbing (as she normally is whenever she sees Chris) and he told her he had to send her home. She continued sobbing while Kelsey smiled. That is, until Chris told Kelsey that he was sending her home too. She told him he didn’t have to apologize and said she understood – it was the most normal we have seen her the entire season. In a dramatic exit, Chris gazed down at the two crazies stranded in the desert, as he made his way back to Britt and more “naps.”

We’re getting to the good stuff (finally). I can picture exactly zero of these women living on a farm in Iowa, so it should be a pretty easy pick for Chris.

  1. It’s so amusing how upset they get when they’re sent home. There is NO WAY Ashley could live on a farm. Kardashian-wanna-be on a farm? HAHA. Britt’s another fake. I think she’s banking on her dirty ass being enough to get Chris to move.

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