Entertainment | Humor | sarcasm | TV

The Bachelor, Week 10: Some of the Happiest Moments of My Life Have Been Harvesting

March 10, 2015

I spent most of last night’s episode cursing Andi Dorfman for keeping this asshat around long enough on her season to let him be The Bachelor.

We got a re-cap questioning how Chris would choose between one woman who is unsure about her feelings for him and another who already started packing up her house to move to Iowa.

Whitney met with Chris’ family first and they loved the “we made a baby…in a lab” joke so I guess she’s meant to be a part of this family. Whitney made it incredibly clear that she was ready to be knocked up immediately and “the sisters,” as she referred to them, responded with happy tears. When they asked Chris what he thought of Whitney he (poorly) rambled on about what he loves about Becca, which was apparently the fact that she’s not outgoing, but she’s grounded and charming – whatever that means.

Chris’ mom grilled Whitney and kept asking “what do you love about my son? what? what do you love!?” because she was looking for a reason as well. Meanwhile, Chris had a ridiculous conversation with the men in his family, which is ironic because they were all acting like 13-year-old girls in a middle school bathroom. They basically said what we’ve all been thinking – you obviously want to pick Becca but she’s not too sure about her feelings, while Whitney is over here chomping at the bit to mother your children.

Becca was nervous to meet his family because she knew they would want her to move tomorrow and like most sane women, she’d prefer to be the only woman dating her boyfriend for more than 2 months before she commits to a lifetime of corn. Chris told his sisters that he knew they needed to have more conversations about their future. So, at this point, it seems like he’s pretty ready to put a ring on it. The sisters just weren’t having it because they apparently see a personality in Chris that they think deserves a “sure thing” but I don’t really trust them.

Chris’ mom straight up told Becca “it’s up to you,” AKA the only reason he would pick Whitney is because he’s not sure how you feel. This was reiterated when Chris later asked Becca “why don’t you think you’re in love with me?” Is this a question for the group? Because I have some ideas over here. She essentially told him that she would move to Iowa but is scared that she wouldn’t like it because duh.

Chris took Whitney to his farms and Whitney was acting so desperate. I was so sad and embarrassed for her. If he was acting like he was into her as well, it wouldn’t matter, but he spent the entire episode talking about how much he loves Becca.

The rest of the evening was spent with Whitney talking and I realized that this is the only reason Chris has kept her around for so long. He clearly has a difficult time grasping the English language, so he needs someone who will dominate the conversation so he never has to figure out another word aside from “awesome” again.

Chris woke up the next morning knowing that his life was about to change and he said he still didn’t have clarity so he just decided to shave his ugly facial hair instead. In the only sentence he formed all evening, Chris told America that at the time of your engagement, if you haven’t questioned things, then you’re not human. UM, WHAT? You’re human, yes. But that means you shouldn’t be proposing you ass.

Becca strolled up in a velour dress and Chris told her that he had to follow his gut, which apparently was that he knew she didn’t want to be with him. I’m pretty sure I saw Becca let out a sigh of relief when she realized she was leaving farm country forever. Neither of them seemed sad, even though Chris stared at his big green tractor while referring to it as “the most painful decision” of his life. Stone faced, Becca told us that she could have married Chris, but she just seemed content. 

Whitney buckled up in the backseat of the Suburban because ain’t no car accident gonna get in the way of her ring. Whitney once again dominated the conversation because I guess she thought she was the bachelorette and this was her decision. Chris lied and told her that their relationship was “natural” and they both wanted the “same thing” and it “feels right.”

Napping or “delving.”

After the Final Rose 

 Since Chris Harrison told us that this was going to be dramatic episode, I expected Chris and Whitney to be broken up, and they were not. So, this was boring.

Chris and Becca spoke first and it was obvious that Becca was happy she wasn’t with Chris. She’s the only runner up on this show that treated Chris like an old friend, rather than sobbing and demanding answers. It was boring, so they brought Whitney out since we all know she’s always so interesting. When Harrison asked Farmer what he loved about Whitney, he essentially responded that he loved her because she reminded him of his sisters. Everyone acted like this was a normal statement. I know you’re from a small town, Chris, but this was a bit much. Most of us don’t support incest, you.

Whitney told us she only watched “their dates” because she’s nothing if not out of touch with reality. I suppose she’s just thinks if she doesn’t see him tell 2 other women that he was in love with them, then it actually didn’t happen.
Carly is not amused.

Jimmy Kimmel came out to make things awkward for everyone. He brought a cow for Chris and Whitney because there’s no other jokes to make about this stupid season.

H

arrison told us that both Britt and Kaitlyn will be he next Bachelorette. I’m probably just an idiot, but this is so confusing. Are they competing with each other the entire season? Is one of them leaving the first night? Is Britt going to wash her hair? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.

I loathe this show.

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