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The Bachelorette, Week 1, Part 1: I'm Horned Up

May 19, 2015

Happy Bachelorette season! This is like Christmas for me.

We were reintroduced to both Kaitlyn and Britt last night. The producers were sure to remind us of Kaitlyn’s “you can plow my field any day” line and of Britt’s “sincerity.” So, we know that they’ll focus on Britt’s emotional side and peg Kaitlyn as the funny gal. For the record, I always root for the funny gal. (HELLOOO!?)

We started off with videos of some of the guys because nothing shows a man’s true colors more than visuals of them bench pressing in a cut off tee.

Jonathan from Detroit said he is looking for a new baby mama for his 5 year old son. Britt is hot, so he thought she’d be a superb maternal figure to his son.

Joe is 28 from Columbia, KY which is apparently farm land because that’s all they showed. He thought he’d be married at 23 but said there were “obstacles” that got in the way. I’d assume the main hurdle was meeting someone.

Josh is apparently just a misunderstood girl with Daddy issues who strips to pay his law school bills. I don’t understand why he hasn’t met someone yet!

The aspiring musician from Nashville already started crooning on our screens. His name is Brady so be on the look out for him trying to “make it” in the next few months.

There was another farmer who I missed because I was snoring.

  
Ian ran track at Princeton which is still the highlight of his life nearly a decade later. We already heard his story of getting in a car accident, being told he could never run again, and then recovering and becoming a runner again. Good thing I’m not the Bachelorette. We have nothing in common.

Jared is single because he knows what he wants. Or because he refers to his heroic alter ego as “Love Man” and got a shirt made. One of those.

Tony is a “healer.” Namaste away.
<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet” lang=”en”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”>If you have to describe yourself as unique, you’re probably not unique <a href=”https://twitter.com/hashtag/bachelorette?src=hash”>#bachelorette</a> <a href=”https://twitter.com/hashtag/namaste?src=hash”>#namaste</a></p>&mdash; Erica (@EricaFuni) <a href=”https://twitter.com/EricaFuni/status/600471455567114241″>May 19, 2015</a></blockquote>
<script async src=”//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js” charset=”utf-8″></script>

The girls show up and talk about how awkward this whole process is and they managed not to slap the shit out of each other so I guess that’s good. I was going to run through all the guys but it was too much and I didn’t feel like keeping track of who went to Britt first and who went to Kaitlyn first.

About halfway through meet and greets, Kaitlyn ran inside quickly to say hello to the guys and Britt was like “what a cheater” because she was pissed she didn’t think of it first. Finally – we got our first real glimpse into the beginning of the hunger games. I love a little foaming at the mouth on this show.

Ryan M. was hammered before everyone even met the girls. A few quotables from our boy Ry:

  • I’m all horned up right now.
  • I apologize for nothing.
  • Sorry I’m being awesome.
  • I would take her out for a steak dinner and not call her again
  • Is this the gay Bachelor?

MMMMM OKAY.

One guy drove up in a car filled with water so they would have a “clean hot tub.” He’s smart. Keep those STD’s in check, gentlemen. Both girls loved this and were cracking up while Ryan M. was creepily squatting in the bushes and made comments about how stupid it was.

Not to be outdone by “car pool tool,” the next guy arrived via cupcake. What sort of asshole puts candy corn on a cupcake?! Or eats it at all!? NEXT.
BacheloretteCupcake

Finally, the ladies were allowed to join the men who had spent the last 4 hours bickering over which hot girl was hotter. Kaitlyn started off with a knock knock joke and Britt slammed her by saying that she wasn’t there for the right reasons. (Side note: Remember when Des made the guys do a video where they had to sing “for the right reasons!?!?!” SO MANY LOLZ).

CH told the guys they were welcome to vote at any time by putting their rose in the box of the girl they like most. I was taken about by how quickly they’d be allowed to bang but it turns out there were actual wooden boxes with a rose-shaped cut out on top of each of them. 

Tony the healer immediate walked in and felt “Britt’s box pulsating.” Her ballot box, that is. So he gave her his vote. 

Meanwhile, the rest of the guys continued courting the ladies and one showed up with a sketch of Chris Harrison.

ChrisHarrisonTriceratops

Absolutely wonderful.

Later on, car pool tool confronted Ryan M. and he was crying like “why did you make fun of me?” I get it, Ryan is obviously trashed and annoying everyone, but you think he’s going to remember that and have a coherent conversation with you? You’re dreamin’ car pool tool.

All of the guys were fighting about who would get to save the girls from Ryan M. after he trapped Britt and grabbed Kaitlyn’s ass. After a dramatic slip when exiting the pool (in a speedo – gross) he got in a fight with one of the other guys and asked “why am I not raping you right now?” Wonderful. A producer later pulled Ryan out the room because Chris “Hanson” wanted to talk to him. Chris told him he had to leave and he sulked away like a scolded child. Poor guy. Every season has to have one, right?

After drunken flirting, Chris Harrison showed up to tell everyone that all of the votes had been made, or all of the roses have been shoved in the ladies’ boxes, if you will. After 15 minutes of dramatic music, we were told we had to wait until tomorrow night to find out who stays. Hate myself for being such a sucker. 

Until tomorrow…

  1. When Chris Harrison went to tally the votes it felt like I was watching Survivor…..I mean didn’t watch The Bachelorette last night. Nope. Not me. #teamkaitlyn

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