For those of you anxiously awaiting my weekly recap of The Bachelorette, I apologize for the delay. After a weekend of packing and eating and drinking, I was absolutely exhausted by 10PM and had to call it a night. The fact that last night’s episode was so damn boring didn’t help, so I told myself I would wait until today to finish the episode, and here we are.
We started with Kaitlyn awaking with a face full of make-up and perfectly curled hair before she went outside to shoot the breeze with Chris Harrison on her scenic balcony. So, pretty similar to how most of us spend our mornings.
We went back to night 1 and saw Britt crying to her mom on the phone. Her life is just really hard because she didn’t even get a chance to unpack her designer bags at the mansion before she had to go home again.
Brady showed up just in time to save the day, donning a sweatshirt tied around the waist. He gave her a hug because he thought she might need one. Anywhore, back to Kaitlyn…
Group Date #1
The first group date was a boxing match because boxing is a lot like being in a relationship, apparently. I was shocked that they hadn’t done this yet but finally, someone had to think a little bit outside the box because people were tired of making music videos and male modeling.
The guys were paired up to fight each other because there is no better way to show what a great husband and father you will be than beating the shit out of another guy. I actually found myself rolling my eyes at this whole thing. So stupid. When someone got legitimately hurt, Kaitlyn was shocked.
While Jared was nursing his wounds in the hospital, Kaitlyn made sure she talked to the guys who didn’t get hurt because at the end of the day there’s a rose that needs to be
pinned put on with a magnet. She bonded with Ben Z. (who will be referred to as Benzie from here on out) over their mutual love of cooking. SO orig! I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who likes to cook, so they’re super lucky that they found each other.
While Kaitlyn was talking with one of the guys, she got a note that said “Come downstairs right now, I need to see you” and Kaitlyn dropped everything to go downstairs. Good thing it wasn’t a note from a serial killer. Jared was waiting for her and they went for a walk. He kissed her because he said his head hurts but his heart doesn’t, or something like that. (Kiss #3 – Meh. Jared creeps me out a little bit).
Kaitlyn gave Benzie the group date rose because he shared the fact that his mom passed away from cancer and also probably because she feels safe and comfortable with him because he sent Jared to the hospital instead of her.
Clint got the first one-on-one date where they took underwater photos. I don’t really need to elaborate since it was exactly as creepy as it sounds.
Later that evening, they had dinner where Kaitlyn showed us more of her original personality by saying she wants a best friend who she also has a romantic connection with. Congratulations on your solid grasp on what a husband is, girlfriend. He got a rose, despite his hairline.
Group Date #2
Amy Schumer saved this dull, dull episode. She watches this show for the same reasons I do. “You sit home and you judge other people and you’re like ‘I’m fine.'”
For the second group date, the guys would be performing in an amateur stand-up comedy show and got to work with Amy Schumer and a few other funny gals to work on their routine. My invitation to join in on this episode must have gotten lost in the mail.
JJ was “praying” it was stand-up because he’s always wanted to try it. Does he think he’s funny? Self awareness he has not. JJ told Amy his secret pick-up line when he meets girls is “Hi, I’m JJ. I’m divorced with a kid and I live at my parents,” which is all fact. Why is he still single? Unattached males, take note! JJ also thinks he’s smarter than 90% of people in the room. Not surprisingly, I hate him.
Cupcake dentist so terrible but it didn’t matter because he owned it. JJ, this is how normal humans act in the real world.
Tony said he was training for stand-up comedy his whole life so someone needs to tell him the difference between stand-up comedy and yoga. He later told Kaitlyn that he’s been training to be on The Bachelorette his whole life as well, which seems impossible since he’s 36 and the show has only be on for 10 years.
Kaitlyn kissed JJ and gave him the group date rose. You digust me, Kaitlyn. I have lost all respect for you. (Kiss #4 -GROSS)
Kentucky Joe took Kaitlyn outside and just started making out with her. He actually seems like a very sweet country boy, but remember your last country boy, Kait? (Kiss #5 – cute)
As every group of bachelor(ettes) do, the guys with roses agreed to let the men without roses talk to Kaitlyn first at the rose ceremony. JJ immediately grabbed Kaitlyn to “remind her what husband material is.” Obviously, everyone hated him for this and he dubbed himself the villain of the house, which is impossible since tool bags can’t be villains.
Ian (underrated most attractive guy this season) told Kaitlyn about his Princeton days and recovery from a serious car accident. Kaity loves a good sob story so they made out. (Kiss #6 – Jealous because he’s hot).
Bowser King Koopa Kupah just doesn’t want to be a minority who fills a quota. This is understandable but he thought the best way to discuss this with Kaitlyn would be to tell her that she’s been ignoring him when he literally didn’t speak to her during the group date? She told him that she thought they had a connection when they met because they talked about another super unique interest – music – but then she didn’t feel like the connection anymore because of this conversation. No shit. Kupah was venting to the guys and Kaitlyn overheard. She pulled him aside to tell him she wanted to send him home. He basically was fighting her saying that he didn’t want to go home because he knows she likes movie quotes and she’s also really hot.
We cut to Kupah nearly getting into a fight with one of the producers during his exit interview when the episode ended with another “To be continued.” I hope someone hit him. Good thing I didn’t waste another hour watching this trash last night.
Oh, there was a p.s. that Britt and Brady are OFFISH! He asked her to be “his girl.”