Entertainment | Humor | TV

The Bachelorette, Week 9: No One Cares, Kaitlyn

July 14, 2015

I got the impression last week that there would be an all out brawl between Nick and Shawn, but the fight was uneventful. Nick sat wearing a woman’s sweater and converse sneakers while Shawn told him he didn’t like him. Fight like men, you pansies!

After we listened to Kaitlyn talk about Shawn and Nick, the producers reminded her that there’s a third guy and she was like “Oh, right. Ben is hot. I can’t wait for our overnight date so we can finally have sex and then I can send him home.” The two rode horses and Kaitlyn said things like “When you tug at the horse, it listens” and “I belong on a horse.” Know where you belong, Kaity? Not on my TV. They looked at some architecture and then made out in the grass.

Ben borrowed Nick’s sweater for dinner at the castle. He asked Kaitlyn if she wanted to hear something “totally crazy.” As it turns out, he wanted to tell her that he had a birthday during the show. You’re right, Ben, that IS bonkers. I’m having a birthday this year as well! What are the chances?! I did appreciate that neither of them acted surprised about Chris Harrison’s invitation for them to have an overnight date.

Kaitlyn and Ben got “maybe a half hour” of sleep, according to Kaitlyn. Ben told her “I loved having you…to myself.” Kaity woke up more confused than ever because (like most of us) she thought for sure Ben was going home but since he was good in the sack, now she’s not sure.

No time to dwell, though. She changed our of her whore clothes to spend the day golfing with Shawn. This is an actual convo that occurred during filming:

Producer 1: How can we make this episode even more boring?
Producer 2: We can have them sit in silence in an empty room.
P1: Nah, that would be too interesting.
P2: You’re right. What about golf?
P1: You’re a genius.

Shawn didn’t have time to wait until the overnight portion of the date to whip his junk out, so he stripped right on the golf course and Kaitlyn ran away with his clothes.
KaitlynShawnGolf

You guys are totes cray and orig. Shawn talked to Kaitlyn more about how much he hates Nick and then she was like “Okay, that’s enough. We have a bed to get to.” The next morning, Shawn was walking out of Kaitlyn’s room and found quite the sight. Ever the creep, Nick was waiting for him outside the building. Shawn talked at Nick again about how much he hates him and then he kicked him out. BORING.

Kaitlyn chatted with Chris Harrison and I kept wondering why their therapy sessions didn’t start 5 weeks ago. Although, CH is just that one friend you go to for advice because they just say what you want to hear.

Kaitlyn: It’s just so hard not to let their hatred affect me. I keep wanting to have sex with everyone and broadcast it to the world, though.
Chris: Totes, girlfriend. It’s impossible not to. Maybe you got stop banging everyone? But it’s okay, whatever you want to do.

At the start of the rose ceremony Kaitlyn had to walk away because her boob was about to pop out she was “nervous.” She cried and then sent Ben home. Another class act, this guy. Jared and Ben will be “The Bachelors” next season.

Meeting Nick’s Family

Everyone was crying while they waited for the happy horny couple to show up. His mom was just concerned about him getting hurt and I would hope his mannerisms as well. He reassured her by telling her he was 90% sure Kaitlyn would pick him because they have phenomenal make-out sessions.NickViall

Meeting Shawn’s Family

Shawn’s mom “couldn’t make it” so I like to think she hates the whole idea of the show and refused to support it. Shawn’s sister could totally tell that there was “love in the room” when they walked in. I’m not sure what she meant by this because the only thing I remember is Kaitlyn yelping when they walked through the door.

Kaitlyn was crying because she doesn’t know what her decision should be and “so many people care” – like Shawn and Nick and their families. Literally no one else gives a shit, though, so maybe shut up.

I won’t say who the winner is here in case you’re unfamiliar with Snapchat gate and don’t want the ending spoiled but it is 100% fact who Kaitlyn picked. Being the dumbass that she is, she snapped a photo of her and the chosen one and made it public. What a moron.

  1. You make these episodes so much more interesting than they actually are. Thank heavens for that or we would all have to sleep through them. Sounds like she sleeps through them to (the guys, not the episodes).

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