This episode was 3 hours long and could have been finished in 15 minutes. I hate everyone for making me so tired today because I had to stay up and be bored by this nonsense until 11PM.
Meeting the Family
Nick met Kaitlyn’s family first and Kaitlyn made sure to tell her mom beforehand that they had sex. WHY? WHY IS THIS NECESSARY, KAITLYN?
Mom ripped Nick a new one at first and I was so happy. She called him out on his possessive, arrogant, jealous ways that she saw when he was with Andi and I was thrilled. But then he started fake crying and said he loves Kaitlyn and would be happy to be with her, adding (with a straight face) “It’s hard for her to open up.” He didn’t even make a sex joke! She ate it up and gave him her blessing to marry Kaitlyn so there goes my respect for you, Kaitlyn’s Mom. Her father also gave him his blessing so all of these people are idiots.
Shawn was next in the parental hot seat and admitted that he watched last season and apparently took a picture of Kaitlyn crying when Chris sent her home. He drew a heart around it and said “Don’t worry Kaitlyn…I’m coming for you.” Her family straight up swooned at this comment. Call me crazy, but that sounds a bit stalkerish. I guess Kaitlyn likes the creeps.
Mrs. Kaitlyn led a small sex therapy session with Shawn because she needed to make sure he would be able to get past the fact that her daughter couldn’t keep it in her pants. Shawn said he understood because they weren’t exclusive. Shawn was way classier about asking their permission to marry Kaitlyn because he talked to them together. Also, he didn’t cry.
Kaitlyn and Nick made out on a boat and he said things like “I can’t wait to hang out with you on my couch.” Romance at its finest. Tell me more, Nick! Will you take her to K-Mart, too, or maybe upgrade to Wal Mart? I know you’re not fancy enough for Target.
Ever the creepy romantic, Nick wrote a poem for Kaitlyn:
There is magic in your eyes
And when I Iook at you
I see my future
There is electricity in your lips
And when I kiss you
I feel your energy
There is love in your heart
And when I touch you I feel
A love worth never letting go
Guys, I didn’t make that up. It’s literally what he wrote. I can’t.
Shawn and Kaitlyn sat on a couch in the middle of a field for their last date. They had minimal conversation while Kaitlyn pet his leg hair which was disturbing. Later that night, Shawn’s doubts went away because he gave her a memory jar full of notes he “had wrote” (her words, not mine) for her, along with pictures. I used to save movie ticket stubs when I was 12, too, Shawnie.
Shawn stood on his balcony sans shirt and waited for Neil Lane to show up. He picked out the most expensive ring because he’s not an idiot and knows he should go big when he’s not shelling out any cash.
Nick was panicking because the last time he was waiting for Neil Lane, Andi showed up to dump his ass so he had a little PTSD. He told Neil Lane the story and Neil was like Literally no one could care less about your peasant life than I do right now.
Nick got out of the limo first while they played depressing music so it was pretty obvious that he was going home. Kaitlyn let him blab on about how much he loved her and how confident he was in their relationship and when he took the ring out she finally stopped him. She tried to explain and said she needed the time with him to figure it out but her heart was with someone else and he said “K.” He was like well, no, you don’t love me, otherwise this conversation would have went a little differently. I don’t blame him. He’s right. And he was angry. He got in the limo and dramatically threw the engagement ring along with his ring on the floor.
Shawn and Kaitlyn had such a sweet proposal that it took me a second to come back to reality and remember that their proposal happened in front of a pool that a minimum of 250 drunk people have peed in* and they will probably be broken up by November.
Side note: Holy budget cuts, ABC. No Bali?
After the Final Rose
The only thing worth noting from this boring episode is that Shawn definitely got a nose job, right? He’s actually trying to look like Ryan Gosling and it’s WEIRD.
Nick was incredibly well spoken. What happened to you, bro? Why didn’t you ask Kaitlyn why she did “fiance stuff” with you if you weren’t her fiance? Or why she made love to you if she wasn’t in love with you? What a let down.
Nick and Shawn were forced to speak to each other which seems like the most cruel thing you could do to someone who just got dumped – make him chat with his ex’s fiance, who happens to hate him. Shawn didn’t apologize but he did reiterate that he’s not a jealous person and has never been called a jealous person in his whole life (until recently when millions of people have called him jealous.) They were both upset that they acted immature and also that the show blew it out of proportion. Shawn wanted them to focus on the love story which he thinks is the point of the show. I guess he’s never seen the show before, because the love story has never been the point. LOL forever with that comment.
Nick wished Kaitlyn and Shawn well. Wow, thanks for making it worth it to stay up way past my bedtime, you dud. Shawn and Kaitlyn were so happy to finally not have to hide that they were together, so I guess she still thinks she fooled people with her Snapchat.
Oh, and Shawn is happy he can now stick up for his girl. I totally get it. Your priviledged, pretty white girlfriend is being bullied by the meanie means for going on a show that people have been judged for since 2003….
In the words of Nick, “K.”