Entertainment | Humor | TV

The Bachelor Ben, Week 1: Horrible Person Destroys Perfectly Good Bread

January 5, 2016

I feel rusty, you guys! But, I think I can get back into the groove. Girls have been practically (and probably literally) throwing their panties at Ben since we were introduced to him on Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette. In an effort to hang on to the horn dog fans, we were given a glimpse into Ben’s “small-town” childhood in an attempt to make America love him even more. Ben told us he loved his hometown even though he doesn’t live there anymore because “it feels like America.” Well, I should hope so, Ben. It’s in Indiana.

Ben confessed that his biggest fear is that he is “unlovable.” Stop acting like you don’t know that you’re very attractive and the most normal guy involved with this franchise to date, thus, loveable. By 8:06 Ben was crying in a confessional. If this is any indication of what’s to come, I am so excited. Ben said he was “really nervous to date 25 people.” Yeah, okay, sure, lying liar who lies.

Jason Mesnick, Sean Lowe, and Chris Soules were all there to give Ben advice. Jason ended up picking the runner-up 3 months after his season ended. Since he and Molly are married with children now, I’ll let it slide. Sean has been married to Catherine and she is now preggo, so I guess they’ve had success. But CHRIS SOULES? What on earth could he have to offer? He proposed to someone (who he probably can’t remember the name of now) in a barn and they broke up one month later. Thanks, but no thanks. 

There’s too many bimbos to write something about all of them, so I’ll just highlight a few of the crazies and their intros.

  • Is Caila the one who actually jumped on Ben when they met?  That was just absurd. 
  • The twins were, not surprisingly, obnoxious.
  • Tara, the chicken enthusiast, did not clarify if she actually does some sort of work involving chickens but just says that they are her “human babies.” Okay. 
  • Someone brought a football because there’s always one chick who needs to act like she’s cool and make a joke about how she’s a “catch.”
  • Some horrifying nutritionist told Ben that “gluten is the devil” and then proceeded to throw perfectly good and delicious-looking bread on the ground. Get the hell out of my living room. You’re the real devil.
  • Lace told Ben to close his eyes and then kissed him because she wanted the first kiss. K.
  • Mandi the dentist had a giant rose on her head but I was more horrified by the fact that she gave Ben a dental exam.

The party had started and the drinks were flowing smoothly until Becca and Amber showed up and you could actually hear claws begin scratching. After being a judgey bitch about everyone, Lace was hammered and told Ben she wanted to “re-do” their kiss. You are gross. He told her that he thought she was gorgeous but he didn’t want to get caught up in the physical aspect and just wanted to get to know people on the first night. Stay classy, Ben.

Lace continued to be annoying for the remainder of the evening and he still gave her a rose. She then got mad at Ben because he didn’t make eye contact with her during the rose ceremony. You can leave now, Lace.

Who went home: Red Velvet and a bunch of other people I don’t remember.

Top Contenders: Jojo, News Anchor, Becca, and the single mom. (I can’t be expected to remember names until week three).

Welcome back, folks. I think we’re in for a treat this season.

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