Humor | TV

The Bachelor Ben, Week 2: I’m Really Not Crazy

January 12, 2016

The girls were excited to get to know Ben better because he is the perfect man “to the T” and he is the perfect bachelor. Oh, and “if you had a list, he checks off every single list.” Three minutes in and I already want these gals to have their IQ tested.

First Group Date

Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, Jojo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace were invited on the group date. Lace was especially excited because she wants to redeem herself. It’s a shame no one was there to tell her that she’s even more annoying sober than blacked out. They showed up at a fake school called “Bachelor High” because these bitches aren’t catty enough. The girls participated in competitions like “making Ben’s volcano blow,” which was your run of the mill science experiment except things were labeled things like “love” and “trust” and “communication,” which was weird because Ben communicated with no one the entire time. He watched Lace lose the volcano experiment because she couldn’t read, and Becca & Jojo lose the “place Indiana in the general vicinity of where it should be on a map” because they couldn’t pass second grade. Amber and Mandi won so they were forced to race each other. Mandi won the race which meant she got to be “Homecoming queen”and you could tell that Ben was like “ah, shit.”

BACHELOR - "Episode 2002" - Ben greets ten ladies at a local Los Angeles high school where he invites them to take a trip down memory lane with him, but Lace is desperate to redeem herself after her erratic behavior at the first rose ceremony. Chris Harrison gets the first one-on-one date off to an exciting start when he introduces Ice Cube and Kevin Hart, fresh from the set of "Ride Along 2," to Ben and his date, and they are off on a rollicking, unconventional rendezvous, which will end with a special performance by popular singer-songwriter Amos Lee. Finally, a visit to The Love Lab will test six bachelorettes to see who among them has the best connection to Ben. The week culminates when the drama-filled rose ceremony has one lady making a stunning decision, on "The Bachelor," MONDAY, JANUARY 11(8:00-10:01p.m. EST), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Greg Zabilski) AMANDA K., BEN HIGGINS

I would love to re-watch Chris’ season because Becca already likes Ben more than she liked Chris in the very last episode. Not enough, though, because Jennifer got the first kiss, ya’ll! As suspected, Lace remembered to put on her crazy pants that morning and she was pissed when she heard about the kiss. She surprisingly apologized to Ben for the previous night and the poor guy was so nice and was still trying to explain his lack of eye contact. Jubilee came in and interrupted their one-on-one time, probably because she was still holding a grudge because it was Lace’s fault they lost the volcano blow. Lace was pissed because they had double the time together than Lace had. THE HORROR. To top it off,  she kissed him. Ben took Jojo up to the rooftop. They talked about how much they wanted to get to know each other and how much they liked each other and literally nothing else. And then they made out. He gave her the date rose because he really loved how she expressed her feelings. I still know nothing about this girl except that she looks like Isla Fisher so I’m not sure what he was talking about.

One-on-One Date

Caila got the first on-one-on date which involved Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. They went for a”ride along” and picked up liquor and condoms. I literally didn’t understand their purpose. They just sat in the backseat while Caila and Ben got to know each other on a deeper level by learning each other’s favorite colors. The date continued in a hot tub. In a hot tub store.  At least they fed these two at a local pizza joint.

the-bachelor-hot-tub-ben-higgins-caila

They ended the date at a private Amos Lee concert, which marks the first out of 30 private concerts on this show where I know the musician. Did I mention Caila as a front runner yet? She is asolutely top three.

Second Group Date

Emily, Shushanna, Sam , Olivia, Hayley, and Amanda went on the second group date to a “love lab.” I honestly have no idea what the hell was going on during this date. The girls had to run so they could work up a sweat and then Ben sniffed them while blindfolded to see if he liked their scent. I can’t make this shit up.

BACHELOR - "Episode 2002" - Ben greets ten ladies at a local Los Angeles high school where he invites them to take a trip down memory lane with him, but Lace is desperate to redeem herself after her erratic behavior at the first rose ceremony. Chris Harrison gets the first one-on-one date off to an exciting start when he introduces Ice Cube and Kevin Hart, fresh from the set of "Ride Along 2," to Ben and his date, and they are off on a rollicking, unconventional rendezvous, which will end with a special performance by popular singer-songwriter Amos Lee. Finally, a visit to The Love Lab will test six bachelorettes to see who among them has the best connection to Ben. The week culminates when the drama-filled rose ceremony has one lady making a stunning decision, on "The Bachelor," MONDAY, JANUARY 11(8:00-10:01p.m. EST), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Rick Rowell) OLIVIA, BEN HIGGINS, PAUL J. ZAKS

It gets better. Afterwards, they sat together nearly nude to see if they had good chemistry. Overall, Sam got the lowest score of 2.4 out of 10 and Olivia got the highest score of 7.5. I am now convinced it was all just based on the size of one’s mouth. Ben is too innocent for this show and doesn’t see how awful Olivia is yet and gave her the rose over sweet Amanda who told him about her kiddos.

Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony

Olivia acted like she was already standing on a beach with a ring on just because she got a rose during week two. Close your mouth, girlfriend, you’ll be gone in due time. Lace wanted to talk to Ben because she wanted to redeem herself from the first night. Instead she rambled on about a childhood photo that made no sense when you were not shown the photo. She then cried because Ben saw “insecure Lace” and that wasn’t the Lace she wanted Ben to see. I wonder how many there are. Ben told Amanda that he wanted to make some hair clips for her daughters. ADORABLE. Good job, interns.

Who went home (who I remember): LB (by choice), Samantha because she smells sour, Mandi because crazy.

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