Humor | TV

The Bachelorette Jojo, Week 1: Damnnn I Hate Everyone

May 24, 2016

Nothing like a boring first episode of The Bachelorette to help start up the blog again.

Jojo reflected on her relationship with Ben while wearing a Canadian tuxedo. She came to the conclusion that she deserves a man who loves only her. Wow Jojo. You thought of that all by yourself? Good job!
Jojo clapping

Kaitlyn, Des, and Ali offered Jojo advice. I’m not sure why Ali was there because she’s preggo with a man who she did not meet on the show. I was only reminded of how irritating these three women are – especially Des.

A Few “Stand-Outs” (I use that term very lightly)
Chris Harrison Air Quotes

The “occupations” this season are special, to say the least. I’m starting to think when someone says Oh, I’m a lawyer or teacher or accountant or normal human being, producers are immediately like NOPE, we need you to fit in with the Erectile Dysfunction Specialists of the show.

Grant is a firefighter and he hopes Jojo is the one to “light his fire.” How clever.

James is a Bachelor Superfan which is apparently a legitimate occupation so I’d like to start receiving my compensation immediately.

Evan is an erectile dysfunction specialist. About his occupation he said:

  • “It’s a hard job.”
  • “It’s draining.”
  • “I help lift guys up.”

EVAN, STOP IT.

Christian wakes up at 3:30 AM to work out so we have nothing in common. Please find the nearest exit.

Luke said he was grateful he grew up in a small town because he has horses and cows in his blood. To each their own, I guess. He rode up on a “unicorn” which was the most obvious thing to do to get Jojo’s attention. I’m looking at you, man you brought blue balls.

We also had a guy in a kilt, a Santa, a hipster, and a token douchebag who donned a fake stache and said “I mustache you a question, but I’m going to shave it for later.”

Jordan was the only guy who Jojo seemed to like. He got the first kiss (real kiss – fortune kisses don’t count whoever that creepy guy was) and he also got the first impression rose. Based on the previews, Jordan will end up being an asshole.

Chad told Jojo that he went on the show because he’s financially stable and ready for a relationship. Wow, tell me more about how interesting you are, CHAZ.

Daniel kept saying “Damnnnn Jojo.” This was apparently from a “viral video” and he asked Jojo if she was on the internet in the past few months.
Jojo Eyeroll

Jake Pavelka showed up and they made it sound like he was going to tell Jojo he loved her but it turned out he wanted to offer her advice. I don’t know if I’d take advice from someone who was abusive to his (now ex) wife on live television but you do you, Jo.

I have no idea who stayed and who went home because I can’t remember 25+ names. I do know that not one of them made me think “Oh, he’s probably a nice guy.” Poor Jojo.

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