Entertainment | Humor | TV

The Bachelorette Jojo, Week 3 Part 2: Apparently Evan Just Bleeds Thinking About Me

June 8, 2016

We last left off when Chad thought he was given permission to rip everyone’s head off. First, he needed an appetizer of raw sweet potato and a head of iceberg lettuce.
Chad Lettuce.gif

Chad told everyone that he would not go out of his way to attack anyone and again repeated that ED tried to hurt him. I don’t want to be mean, but based on ED’s size, I highly doubt that. He told Chad that he owed him an apology and a new shirt. Look, I know he ripped your shirt, but was it over $10.00? Get over it and get the restraining order that you need.

Next up was a pool party where the cover charge was a requirement to wear hemp and/or seashell necklaces.Seriously, though. WTF with the strange necklaces, guys? ED got a bloody nose but it wasn’t from Chad so that was a letdown. Jordan assured Jo that he was there for the right reasons and I refused to pay attention to any conversation that didn’t involve Chad talking about how he’s a reasonable person.

When Chad finally talked to Jojo he said his “seriously?” comment when ED got the rose was because he was confused because they were so different. He wondered how he would know where to take her to dinner!? “Do you want ice cream or do you want steak?” Both, please. Oh, that wasn’t directed at me?

Derek told Jojo about the security guard and Chad, shockingly, started flipping out. You know – kicking blow-up pool toys like a man. He pulled Derek away to confront him and they had a great argument.



Chad: Don’t talk about me to Jojo. I’m trying to hide the fact that I’m a raging lunatic from her.
Derek: 
She asked me if I felt safe in the house and I responded that I don’t because you are constantly walking around with your fangs out and foaming at the mouth.*
Chad: Well don’t tell her about that!!!
Derek: Okay. Just please don’t kill me.

BTW I keep referencing the foaming at the mouth/fangs because this is how I picture Chad:
Chad Beast.gif

Anyway, Chad got a rose because Jojo is a moron. She thinks because they will be traveling, the drama in the house will stop and they can all just get along. That’s interesting because a shared hotel room didn’t seem like a great place for Chad’s ‘roid rage.

Luke and Jojo went to a hot tub in the woods because she wanted to give a big F-U to Lauren and Ben’s middle-of-nowhere hot tub date. It was too hot for Jojo but doesn’t matter because they got to sensually eat strawberries, so THERE, Ben. They went to dinner after to soak up the booze and try to have an actual conversation. We found out that Luke was in Afghanistan and one of his friends was killed. I hate when this show makes me care about people. He obviously got the rose, they made out, and then went to a concert – a real one! Still lame country, but not a private one! But they obviously had to dance on a platform in front of everyone.

The group date brought the guys to play football with a bunch of pro’s who I don’t know. I did recognize Ben Roethlisberger’s name but that’s about it. Jordan was all over this date because he’s Aaron Rodgers’ brother and played pro himself for like a day. Jojo laughed hysterically while the guys beat the shit out of each other. James Taylor was bleeding from his eyeball and tried to convince everyone he was fine while he had a giant bandage wrapped around his head.


Not to be outdone, ED got another bloody nose. Chad, can you just punch him already so we have some real blood? The guys played a game of football that was just as boring as NFL so I didn’t pay attention. The winning team got to spend more time with Jojo. Robby (I think) told Jojo he thought they were making progress even though they haven’t spoken and she totally agreed. Oh, okay.

Jordan told us that he has trouble opening up “especially in this kind of scenario.” Tell us, Jordan, when exactly were you in a similar situation? He decided to tell Jojo that he was falling for her which was exactly what Jojo wanted to hear from someone she met four days ago so I guess she’s insane. She gave the group date rose to Jordan and untalented James Taylor was like are you kidding me? I almost lost an eye, you bitch.

Chad and Alex got the 2-on-1 date and Chad started arguing with all of the guys, obviously. It is truly hilarious. They all talk a big game but the second it seems like Chad might beat the shit out of them, they back down, because they know they would never live to tell Jojo how mean Chad was to them.

The three of them went on a hike together and there was so much awkward tension the whole time. Jojo asked Alex about Chad and she was like “oh, I had no idea he was an aggressive asshole.” Stop playing dumb, you idiot. Jojo called Chad out on it and he was like I didn’t touch anyone!!! I just threatened them!!! Jojo said she had a lot to think about so I guess she was debating if she wanted to be in an abusive relationship or not.

Chad and Alex then hashed it out while she “thought.”

Chad: I hate that I can’t murder you right now without getting in trouble.
Alex: You need to make things violent all the time
Chad: Go have a glass of milk
Alex: I don’t like milk.
Chad: *smiling* You should. It’s delicious.

Jojo sent Chad home and gave Alex the rose right in front of him. Bold move. And amazing. Jojo and Alex enjoyed the rest of their evening while Chad wandered though the woods and went to harass the guys back at the house.

I think. We got a damn

To Be Continued…

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