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Buy This, Not That: A Gift Guide for Poor People Who Can’t Afford Oprah’s Crap

December 8, 2016

We’ve reached that time of year where I peruse Oprah’s Favorite Things and hate on her. The 2016 list could practically write this blog itself. There are the usual suspects like t-shirts for hundreds of dollars and ugly, overpriced costume jewelry, but Big O out-did herself on the asinine gift suggestions this year. 

These gloves come as a trio rather than a pair so you have an extra when you inevitably lose one.
Verloop Trio Gloves
What? But, what if you don’t lose one? Then you have an extra random glove that can’t be used. It’s not that these are over-the-top expensive, it’s just that:

  1. There are people selling 3 gloves for two-handed people and getting away with it
  2. Now that Oprah likes it, the sheep will support these idiots. This is wasteful and fucking stupid.

Instead, buy this: Two pairs of gloves for a lower cost! Or one super nice pair! Oh, the possibilities!

Oprah wants you buy these travel cord rolls because she wastes WAY too much time searching for her earbuds or charger “only to find them tangled together!” THE HORROR.
Brouk and Co Travel Cord Rolls

Oprah doesn’t have time to unravel her earbud wires like the rest of us peasants so she got this ridiculous contraption that is basically a hair tie and a Ziplock bag.

Instead, buy this: Wireless headphones. It’s 2016, Oprah. You have the cash.

Oh wait! She wants those, too.
Beats by Dr. Dre Powerbeats3 Wireless Earphones

Let me get this straight. Oprah wants me to buy a cord organizer for my headphones and then buy wireless headphones. Wow, thanks for the idea, O. Maybe next time you can just directly wipe your ass with my money.

Instead, buy this: Nothing. She is the worst. Use your damn tangled headphones like the peasant Oprah knows you are.

An app that’s a game that “rewards” you with inspirational quotes? No, thanks. I hate Oprah and her inspirational quotes (and anyone’s inspirational quotes) enough. Now shes making me work for them? And I’m sure she’s making money through ads since the app is free. Get the hell out of here, woman.
Bold Moves App

Instead, buy this: Literally any other free game because I refuse to support this.

This digital frame allows you to sync photos with an app for a measly $399 so you can share photos with your family! How quaint.
Aura Frames Digital Frame

Instead, buy this: If only there were some sort of way to digitally send photos from one computer/tablet/phone to another. Like electronic mail perhaps. Maybe I’ll invent that. We can call it e-mail! Oh, wait…

You could get this Kitchen Cutter for $249.00 if you can’t take 15 seconds to cut up a cucumber for your salad.

Kitchen Cutter

Apparently, Oprah wastes most of her time cutting things and untangling wires. Her life must be so difficult.

Instead, buy this: 
A knife.

She can’t be for real with this bizarre way to check e-mails on a bigger screen.
Avegant Glyph

Instead, buy this: If you don’t already have one, you could buy a computer or tablet for less money. 

Oprah wants us to buy a $100 bottle of wine. LOLOL sure thing, sister.
Alexander Valley Cabernet Sauvignon

Instead, buy this: Does it get you 10 times more drunk than usual? If so, buy the wine! Otherwise, buy 10 bottles of $10.00 wine and live your life.

A dog blanket. For almost $400. IT’S A DOG BLANKET FOR FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS.
Custom Dog Blankets

Instead, buy this: First, don’t buy a dog. Second, if you do have a dog, give it an old sheet.

Let’s join hands this Christmas season and not support Oprah together.

  1. I love buying Oprah’s favorite things just to see the crazy stuff she recommends and imagine the people who think they’d actually use this stuff. The 400 dollar dog blanket had me in stitches too. The pretty chocolates in the other hand. . . salivating.

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