Entertainment | the bachelor | TV

The Bachelor Nick, Week 3: You’re Someone I’m Very Intrigued In

January 17, 2017

We last left off when Nick told Liz he didn’t have time for her fame whore ways and sent her home to promote detox tea and sugarbear hair gummies on Instagram.

*Fingers crossed she gets a sunnies deal with Diff Eyewear. PROMO CODE: 9 MONTHS*

Nick spilled the beans about the wedding and eloquently informed the girls that “stuff happened and we had sex.” The girls were shocked and confused that he had sex with someone NINE MONTHS AGO and were upset that Nick hooked up with someone before the fantasy suites. One of all: Google is your friend. I now know 3-4 women who have shared STD’s with Nick. I’m sure that number is just scratching the surface. Two of all: Fantasy suites are even more gross because they’re televised and he basically hops from room to room.

Corinne took this as an opportunity to try and seduce Nick, because it was a day that ended in ‘Y’ I suppose. She went to him wearing nothing but a coat and brought whip cream with her. Doesn’t she have a babysitter? Where was she!?

The girls watched Nick lick whipped cream off Corinne’s chest and finally Jasmine interrupted. Corinne started sobbing when Nick turned her down because he’s realized what hooking up on television does to your reputation (after doing just that like 20 times, but still).

Corinne already had a rose so she opted out of the rose ceremony and went to sleep instead. Honestly, that was genius. That sounds like the absolute best idea. Lacey, Hailey, and I think someone else I’ve never seen before went home.

Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, and Corinne got the group date card which said “Everybody,” and then the Backstreet Boys walked in and I WAS SO JEALOUS. They got to dance with them and Corinne sucked BIG TIME and started crying because Nick wasn’t drooling over her. This date was so awesome and I would have been so pissed if I wasn’t on it (slash I was a little pissed).

This better be the end of nobody country stars on this show. Nick chose Danielle to awkwardly sway on stage with to “I Want it That Way.” Those two horn dogs made out for the entire song in front of all the other girls. Oh, and the entire audience.

More importantly, can someone do something about Nick’s pants? IMMEDIATELY. They get tighter and tighter every episode.

Corinne had a private chat with Nick because she wants to be the “center of his attention” at all times. She later told the girls about her nanny, Raquel, and they were outraged. (Obviously.) At this point, nothing she does surprises me. I’m just interested in what “cheese pasta” is that Corinne kept saying Raquel makes for her. It sounds delicious and I’d like the recipe. Nick gave the group date rose to Danielle which was a surprise to no one.

Vanessa got the one-on-one date. They did some sort of thing that allowed them to feel the sensation of being in space. ABC is really stepping up their game this season with these dates! This seemed so cool until Vanessa started to feel nauseous. She puked multiple times and Nick was a trooper and didn’t run away. I would have started vomiting next to her. And I almost did when he started kissing her pukey mouth. The rest of their date went extremely well and is making me more confident in my decision to give her the final rose in my bracket.

The second group date was with a few olympic athletes and they completed for the “gold” – alone time with Nick. Ew. Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid made it to the second round. They had to sprint, grab a ring at the end, and meet Nick in the hot tub (of course). Rachel basically won but she knocked the ring over. Astrid came up from the back and grabbed it and ended up getting the one-on-one time. She immediately hopped in the hot tub and started sucking face with Nick. Girl plays dirty.

Later on, Dominique was crying because Nick isn’t a mind reader and didn’t ask why she was upset when she never told him she was upset. She talked to Nick about it and I’m not entirely sure he knew who she was. He took it as an opportunity to “listen to his gut” and send her home. Honestly, that was nice of him because you could tell he didn’t like know her.

Nick opted for a pool party instead of a cocktail party, which apparently had a bouncy castle. Nick and Corinne were jumping around and making out while everyone else watched. The women finally stepped up to tell Nick that Corinne is batshit crazy, but more importantly, SHE IS 24 YEARS OLD WITH A NANNY. My favorite convo:

Vanessa: I saw your riding her.
Nick: Fair.
Vanessa: Do you want a wife or do you want to f*ck around?
Nick: *blank stare*

I think I’ll just leave at that since thats basically where the show ended. STOP with middle-of-the-episode Rose ceremomies!

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