You may have noticed that I didn’t blog about Men Tell All last week. I did watch, but honestly the whole thing was ridiculous and I don’t want to give Lee any more attention, so I’m not. My one observation: I think they are setting us up for Bachelor Kenny.
Now, buckle up my friends. Last night actually was the most dramatic in bachelor history and I have a LOT of feelings about it. (Please forgive me for typos/formatting crap. I’m posting from my phone because this couldn’t wait).
Chris Harrison introduced us to the “live” episode, which is not actually live, just the asinine commentary is live. Rachel joined Chris so she could walk us through the episode. Why do I need Rachel to walk me through it? I can figure out that Bryan is an asshole all by myself. Instead, we had to wait three hours for the actual ending. Producers: Keep After the Final Rose Separate. Thank you.
We picked up where we left off with Peter telling Rachel that it’s batshit crazy to propose to someone after knowing them for 6 weeks and 3 dates. Peter tried to reassure her by telling her that there is something “undeniable” between them and went on to say that Rachel crying advanced their relationship. What? I love you, Peter, but that’s just ridiculous. Rachel then gave Peter the fantasy suite card and after commenting on it’s literal weight, he accepted.
They both said they were in a good place but Rachel still just couldn’t fathom the fact that she would be in the position where all three men didn’t want to propose to her.
Rachel left Peter to go on her date with Bryan. He told Rachel that he thought his meeting with her family went well. I guess we were watching a different episode. Bryan assured us that loves Rachel the most and has the strongest feelings for her. The biggest. Tremendous feelings. YUGE. Rachel told us that during her date with Bryan, she kept thinking about Peter. Talk about a sign, Rachel. Bryan caught on to the fact that Rachel was in a different world, which she was happy about because she said it means he reads her well. No, it means you didn’t speak during your date. Bryan may be a manipulative ass, but he’s not stupid.
They went to the fantasy suite which looked exactly like Peter’s. I hope they changed the sheets. What was with the “fantasy suites” last night, by the way? We using groupons now? Where were the rose petals and balconies and hot tubs? They had a great night because Rachel is delusional. They kissed disgustingly as per usual and we next met up at the rose ceremony.
Rachel wore a dress with spike sleeves and sent Eric home. She told him that she loves him but shes not “in love” with him. Girl needs to stop telling people she loves them when she doesn’t. It’s ridiculous and messed up.
Rachel talked to Eric live and I didn’t listen because I never have a damn clue what the hell Eric is trying to say and I wasn’t about to waste any more of my time trying to figure it out.
Back to the episode, Rachel questioned if she should go with the man she had stronger feelings for or the one she knew wanted to be married.
Rachel and Bryan went on a hot air balloon ride for their final date. Later they spoke Spanish. Did you know that Bryan speaks Spanish? Bryan told Rachel that it would be the biggest mistake of her life if she didn’t pick him. Probably because her mom will murder her or something.
Rachel took Peter on a date to talk to a monk who gave them advice but I couldn’t tell you what it was if I wanted to. Peter again told Rachel that its ridiculous to propose to someone this quickly and she just couldn’t understand it. What’s not to get? He was being very clear: Me want to get married. Me want to be sure before me get married. Me no sure after spending combined total of 24 hours with you.
Rachel went to Peter’s room to “find out where they stand.” I have no idea how she still doesn’t know. He told her that he loves and sees a future with her but he’s not ready to ask her to marry him. She somehow doesn’t understand that you can see a future with someone before you’re actually engaged. Honestly, I have no idea how this girl ever got a law degree and I really hated her the rest of this entire episode. He turned it around on her and asked “You can honestly say right now that you know you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” to which she responded “I can’t answer that question.” Well then how should he be able to?!
Peter finally told Rachel that he’d propose to her because he’s not willing to lose her and she told him not to. This guy can’t win. Come on, Rachel.
They had a devastating and heartbreaking goodbye. They cried together and when Rachel finally left, Peter fell to the ground sobbing and. For the first time ever, I teared up from this show.
During the live portion, Peter was visibly shaken and upset still and Rachel took the opportunity to explain again why she was confused. She’s not over this. She tried to say that the reason that she was so upset was because it reminded her of her previous relationship. LIAR. Stop trying to say this crap for Bryan’s mom’s sake. We know you’re in love with him and we know you made the wrong choice.
Peter: I just think I needed to get out of my own head and give it more time and trust this process.
Rachel: I don’t think it was that. I think you needed more time and to trust the process.
Everyone: That’s what he just fucking said.
I hated Rachel so much this entire time. Peter apologized for saying she would be living a mediocre life and she snapped “I’m living my best life,” with a nasty look. I’ll tell ya one thing, BIG RACH – that sort of bitter only comes around when you’re not over it. You know who doesn’t have to brag and say “I’m living my best life?” PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY LIVING THEIR BEST LIFE. This whole thing was veryyyy reminiscent of Jason and Molly Mesnick. Except Rachel wasn’t smart enough to realize her mistake.
I had been starting to think that Peter’s hesitancy was because he was gunning for bachelor. It wasn’t. He is so far from over this, as is Rachel. He just genuinely was too normal to propose to someone so quickly. If she just gave it a minute, he probably would have proposed last night.
I reluctantly watched the end of this episode. It’s tough to pick an ugly free ring from Neil Lane, but Bryan managed to do it! It’s fine, Neil Lane will be banging down her door in a few weeks to get his ring back.
Usually, no matter who I am rooting for, I can see actual happiness when two people get engaged at the end of this and my cold black heart melts a little and I’m all “awwww this is sweet. Maybe they have a chance.” This time, I was disgusted watching their entire proposal. They both just repeated generic lines to each other about how much they love each other. Barf.
Rachel squealed over the ring and immediately said “eeeee put it on!!!!” In all my years watching this show, whether they end up together or not, never has a girl been more excited about the ring than the guy. Until last night. Someone who’s really in it for the marriage if I’ve ever seen it! They ate each others faces and Rachel pretended to be happy.
Here’s the thing. Do I hate Bryan? Absolutely. Is that why this ending was so horrible? Not even a little bit. If it was obvious that Rachel was in love with him and didn’t want to be with Peter, then it would be like welp, good luck, at least you seem happy. However, I think she really just let the love of her life go because all she wanted was a ring. She just wanted to be engaged – it didn’t matter who was holding the ring. Gross.
On the live portion, Bryan came out and had to re-propose to Rachel. You know how I know you’re full of yourself? When you watch your fiancé sob over letting another man go, only to feed you lines about how she can’t live without you less than 24 hours later, and you don’t react to it.
I stopped watching after this because if I had to listen to these morons tell me that “esposa” means “spouse” in Spanish one more time I was really going to lose it.
I am still flabbergasted that this didn’t end a la Jason and Molly Mesnick. And I am so heartbroken for Peter, but it turns out he may be better off if all this girl wanted was to get a stupid mug that says “Does this ring make me look engaged?”
Rachel, have fun watching Spanish soap operas while Bryan’s mom spoon feeds him.