celebrities | Holidays | Humor

Buy This, Not That: A Gift Guide for Poor People Who Can’t Afford Oprah’s Crap 2017

December 4, 2017

If you follow me on Instagram, you know that our little guy has arrived! He is now one month old, and it has been the fastest and best month ever.

Oprah’s Favorite Things 2017 was released the day I was induced. Multiple people asked where my blog post was on it. I love being known for hating on big O. Alas, it had to wait due to the whole being in labor thing. Recently, on a particularly sleepless night, I started perusing her list while I was nursing Dominic. As per usual, she did not disappoint, and now I’m here to give the people what they want.

See my take on the 2015 list here and the 2016 list here.

One of the first things that struck me as absurd on the 2017 list were these state-of-the-art birdhouses that Oprah wants us to buy.

“I promise there will be tweeting about these,” she quips. Yes, because you want people to buy a $100+ bird house that looks nicer than most real houses. I’m hoping to afford to finish decorating our actual home but sure, let me drop a couple hundred on some wood that’s going to be shit on. Literally.

Instead, buy this: A normal birdhouse for like $10.00

Oprah wants us to buy this paddle with shot glasses and an ice bucket for $185 so we have an excuse to throw a party. Your party sounds boring if you need organized shot taking paraphernalia.

Instead buy this: Save your cash for some quality vodka and use whatever shot glasses you have lying around from your college spring break souvenirs.

Oprah just LOVES this $600 espresso maker. The funniest thing about this is that she’s pretending she makes her own anything.

Instead, buy this: Is this even cost-effective?? Just buy the Starbucks.

I hate that Oprah always thinks we need a gift guide for a dog. Buy food. The end. This year she wants us to buy them a $200 dog bone that is controlled by an app so your lazy ass never has to move.

Instead, buy this: Not a dog.

A relieved Oprah tell us “finally,” a way to hide your television. Are that many people worried people will know they own a TV? What a stupid idea.

Instead, buy this: Just get more vodka.

Oprah tell us she has olive trees in her bedroom and brags that “everyone said they’d never make it, but I keep them turned to the light and they get bigger every day.” Well, la-dee-frickin-DA!

Instead, buy this: Anything. Some more vodka to make it through this list, probably.

I’ve seen lunch boxes like these around. Oprah picked the priciest one to sponsor her and receive commission on at a whopping $69.

Instead, buy this: A regular lunchbox. A plastic grocery bag. The options are endless.

Who loves chicken pie?! NO ONE. But you can have one shipped to you from Cape Cod for $69. A hot freshly made pie shoved in a box to be reheated days later is disgusting.

Instead, buy this: Any other type of food from the grocery store.

Happy shopping, my friends!

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