SECOND CHRISTMAS HAS ARRIVED. Arie’s season of the Bachelor has officially begun and if last night is any indication it is going to be wonderful (mocking-wise, not taking it seriously-wise).
If you didn’t know Arie was a racecar driver, you do now. Arie started out by telling us “this is the most important race of my life,” and I don’t see the puns ending any time soon.
We got a recap of Arie’s “journey” AKA when Emily dumped him. I was reminded of two things:
- Arie was kind of creepy. In one of the clips, he told Emily “I could just steal you and take you away,” before pinning her against an alley wall and kissing her.
- Arie left his journal on Emily’s doorstep after the show. She didn’t read it and gave it back to him on ATFR episode. LOL.
Producers decided to pretend that Arie “took a break” from the show to mend his broken heart which is why he’s the bachelor now. Oh really? It’s not because we wanted Peter and you had to go digging for scraps? You know how I know too much time has passed? I wasn’t blogging during that season. Oh, how I wish I had been.
Anyway, Arie is a realtor now, apparently. Well, at the start of filming he was. By now, he’s probably just an Instagram influencer.
Sean and Catherine (and Samuel) came to give Arie advice. I LOVE the Lowe’s so I struggled to be okay with their support.
Finally, it was time to introduce the ladies, but not before Chris Harrison told us that Arie was the best kisser on the show. First of all, replace best with creepiest and you are correct. Second of all, what? Chris, are you personally kissing all of the contestants? What the hell goes on in that mansion?
We’re doing this in bullet form because the first episode is always all over the place.
A few notable intros:
- Chelsea, the single mom, thinks she has the best chance because Emily was a single mother.
- Caroline, the realtor told us “I haven’t even been in real estate a full year and I’ve already sold 5 million dollars worth so I’m really good at my job.” What a breath of fresh air! It’s so hard to find humble people these days.
- Tia is Raven’s friend from Weiner, AK. She is Raven, but with an even thicker accent. Her dad (I think) told her “at least he has a job.” High standards down in Arkansas. Raven thinks Arie will love her because she’s just so “lackable” (like-able).
- Kendall collects taxidermied animals. I don’t even think it’s her occupation – just your standard hobby. We watched her singing to a dead seal in a tree so I’m pretty okay with never seeing anything like that again ever.
- Bekah is a nanny and also the first woman to have hair shorter than boob length on this show. They didn’t show her age, but she looked young, so I’m just hoping she’s legal.
- Marikh said she owns an Indian restaurant “with her mom.” Honey, call it what it is. You’re a hostess at your mom’s restaurant.
- Krystal works as an online health and fitness coach which apparently anyone can do since all they showed her doing was a workout on the beach while talking into a camera set up on a tripod.
Some notable limo entrances:
- Seinne gave Arie elephant cuff links. She is too beautiful for this show and Instagram shilling.
- Tia (Raven’s friend) gave Arie a little weiner and joked “I hope you don’t already have one.” Welp. Okay.
- Bri, the sports reporter, threw a ball at Arie and congratulated him like a child when he caught it.
- Brittane put a bumper sticker on Arie’s ass.
- Bekah the teen nanny pulled up in a ’65 mustang and said “I may be young but I can still appreciate something classic.” HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- Olivia is 23 and told Arie she adored him on Emily’s season. YOU WERE 18. This is getting weird.
- Becca got Arie to get down on his knee and ask “are you ready to do the damn thing?” I kind of liked her. She seemed semi normal.
- We have four Laurens. Arie liked one of them the most. I can’t be expected to remember her initial or anything else about her.
- Ali made Arie smell her armpits and joked “that must have been the best pit stop of your life!” That’s all you could think of?
- Annaliese came as the kissing bandit. She seems semi normal as well, but almost too normal for this show.
- Just as Bekah was getting cocky about her mustang, Maquel came up in a race car.
- Arie had boring conversations and made “silly faces” that looked like me after three glasses of wine.
- Brittane and Arie raced tiny cars and she forced a kiss afterwards which was so awkward.
- Someone gave him a foot rub which was absolutely disgusting.
- Krystal literally talked like she was on the SNL sketch.
- Bekah asked Arie to list three things that make him excited to be alive. He said “excitement, pizza, and people.” THIS GUY.
- Chelsea kissed Arie and he loved it because he’s a creep. He ended up giving her the first impression rose “even though she hasn’t shared that much” which tells you everything you need to know about Arie.
- Eliminations are getting later and later. It wasn’t even dawn out when these women cried about being dumped by a man they talked to for 30 seconds. It was high noon. These poor people. To the ladies who got eliminated on night one: you actually won. Trust.
- Arie ended the night (day) with one last pun: “I’m in the drivers seat!” UGH.
- I am HERE for Bibiana to punch someone within the next few weeks.